July 28th, 2020
You can stop shitting on your local cam girls and content creators alike for taking time off. While many had months off for COVID, content creators and home business owners went FULL THROTTLE on work and sales, and ultimately overwhelmed themselves. I’ve seen many a posts online saying they just did so much and they need breaks from being stuck inside, they need breaks from all the social media, they just want to slow down a bit and I feel it too. We’ve begun the integrated discussions on mental health importance but we do NOT give enough respect to how much is NEEDED to truly have good mental health.
What happened to me this past year? I gave up on life and everything I loved about it. Over a year ago, I was HAPPY and in my eyes I would say I was thriving, in my own way. I was full time modeling, recovering from small injuries and doing well at it, traveling AND for the FIRST TIME EVER I had my own place AND a savings account! I was balls to the wall killing it, then I got drugged and I haven’t been the same since. I honestly didn’t think it would take as much of a toll on me as it did but it almost ruined my life. ALMOST!
If you or someone you loved has been drugged, I encourage you to give full support, and don’t question the reassurance needed. My boyfriend, bless his soul, spent months with me getting comfortable with going out to a bar just for a drink because of the level of paranoia I developed from the trauma. I had to take sealed water or any bottles, I had to see my drinks opened and poured by him, and even sometimes still to this day get nervous going out even when he’s with me. It DOES NOT go away that easy, it feels like at any moment you could end up at the mercy of someones hands and you wouldn’t know what’s happening. Everyone in your life becomes a questionable threat when you get drugged on a FUCKING DINNER DATE, and yes I’m still fucking angry, I’m still hurt, I’m still trying to heal that weird pit in my stomach that tells me that men cannot and should not be trusted because FUCK WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.
Mental health is important and many of us do not understand the full scope of how it can affect your life. It’s not easy to get online and talk to a population of men who still feel it’s perfectly acceptable to trash talk me in my messages even AFTER PAYING FOR CONTENT! It’s hard to be sexy for a LARGE population of men who pay SMALL amounts and demand the MOST out of every second of my day and if I need personal time they immediately accuse me of being every shit thing they can think of. If you’re a content creator suffering from these same things, you’re not alone. I know it’s also not easy going through a pandemic and a revolution and trying to stay safe and kind through it all.
ITS NOT EASY!
It’s time we stop demanding people to just “be ok” and “handle it” because when it’s you needing a hand, we all wonder where everyone went. For the last year I’ve felt like I just had to say whatever and push through and it’s really not healthy for us to keep doing. We want to change society but we continue to force people to live within these guidelines and it’s causing more chaos than it’s helping. We all have to choose to stop this unhealthy society in its tracks and create something new together, beginning inside each one of us.
This is my first piece of a new start for me. It’s not even a healthy start but if I don’t I’ll be honest I’m gonna end up an alcoholic who the internet thinks has no values or morals and it’s just me being afraid to speak for so long. I’m terrified to be chastised like I was as a kid so I speak in small bits, but this blog is the beginning of something new. I want to share more with all of you because I feel that I have something worth sharing and learning from and most of all I want to learn WITH you not apart from. ALL of you there is no specific area of people I’m speaking to, if you’re reading this it’s for you. Your mental health is just as important to me as mine is, and I think that’s a big first step in our new way of society and socializing.
So, if you’re reading this, thank you for listening because I gave up on writing and speaking before I was even old enough to realize the detriment that would cause me in life. Don’t let people tell you not to speak but also remember to stop and listen before you continue speaking. It’s a balance. So, if you’re reading this please share your thoughts, this isn’t a one sided blog this is a discussion. A connection through words and ideas and I want to connect with whoever will reach out because that’s how we change the world. Let’s learn together.
You know that I got drugged, I hope you don’t mind learning a little more about my history. I stopped writing when I was younger because my mom kept taking all of my journals and it hit me so hard, I even remember where I was when I decided I would stop writing. I was standing in the doorway between the pool table and the “office” part of the living room when I got so angry from another journal / writing being taken that I said “that’s IT. I’m DONE talking. I’m DONE sharing. I’ll become silent and one day I’ll have gone so long without speaking that when I do, it’ll be like WOW she has SO much to say” and I’ll be honest I do. I haven’t written like this since I was young and lately it’s been pouring out like paint on canvas just spilling everywhere but kinda messy. I lose track of where to begin and end because I feel like I spent so long saying I WOULDN’T speak that now I’m here….word vomiting for lost time.
Stop fucking taking diaries and journals as a punishment for the honest thoughts that come out of your kids mouths, it’s fucking stupid. You have the chance to get close to your child and allow them to speak freely and learn from what they read back yet there are parents who feel a need to chastise every word that comes out of someones mouth, and cancel culture is a direct representation of that. We are killing the ability for people to learn through unhealthy cancel culture, and it starts way before the internet culture takes over. I felt “canceled” as a child because my thoughts were ‘too sad’ for me to be writing about. HOW….how can a child be too sad that it’s not appropriate? It’s no wonder we struggle with mental illness so much, adults are so sad we expect children to be a beacon of light that helps see the way. Open your eyes to the idea that we can give so much more than we should take away from this life.
If you take too much eventually you might strip people of the tools they need to fully understand and connect, and I’ll be damned if stripping me of my writing didn’t make me some void human for a long time. I felt so lost for so long writing only factual and only creatively indulging when I was fucked up or forced myself to address those parts of me. It took me so long before I finally felt free to address my dark parts or ‘shadow work’ that I had long since avoided. I’ve worked on it for a while but I haven’t worked on my communication about it so here we go, I’m writing again. Let’s talk about it.
Let’s skip the gory trauma details and summarize because every trauma is a can of worms I don’t have time for in this, but summary is necessary for context. The summary will still be kind of long I’ve been through so much lololol comedy is the key to surviving trauma :)
Earliest trauma memory was being forced to play doctor at the babysitters with her aggressive son and downs son and being forced into a closet where I basically kicked the shit outta him and got him in trouble and never went back. Being scolded for playing sexually with girls at a young age because I developed as quickly as them and we all needed an outlet and we became ashamed of that part of our exploratory selves. Watching Cabin Fever then that same night a man covered in blood busting in through the door and having to hide because he was wanted for a bar fight but my first thought was he had the fever and I’ll still never forget that crazy shit. Getting molested by my cousins husband while my little cousin slept above me and never telling anyone for so many years (besides my younger cousin who never told anyone with me) and developing cutting for many years and becoming a suicidal mess. Being taken from school to school because my mom didn’t understand the value of me growing up in one place as opposed to her need to escape the city and reality because she hates life and won’t admit it so instead I ended up leaving my friends to being bullied in the country by a bunch of racist sexist homophobic hicks till I tried killing myself many times and thought about doing awful things to the people who hurt me at my school. Oh fuck yeah I’m dark as shit and I joke about it what of it. To being sexually harassed and teased at the school and becoming a “sexual deviant” as they like to still say these days and became an emo girl outcast who hated everyone but was EVERYONES little “sex thing” outside of school and no one talked to me in school the same way. To ending up throwing myself at older men to become appreciated by a world who would never appreciate the inner parts of me because I got so fucked up that I felt like only being a good sexual housewife was my place. I got raped by my first boyfriend who also cheated on me and thankfully came to the place I am now to forgive him because he didn’t realize what he was doing because yes it can happen like that address EVERYONES mental illness together. People learn better through acceptance and support. I got kicked out for becoming too independent and questioning my mom and step fathers ideals so much and to this day have a shit non-relationship with them. I started to find myself in college through sexual experimentation and social events and one day realized I didn’t want to be apart of the same system everyone constantly complains about but thrives in so I quit my “real jobs” and I started focusing on something new.
2016, I’ll never forget I joined patreon and started working for myself and ON myself. It was a joint process and I started noticing things and becoming a person I NEVER was before. I started asking myself and others to be honest, and it wasn’t easy that took so much effort. Our society teaches us to lie at every chance and it took me a couple years to become even SLIGHTLY honest about everything. I had more failed relationships that taught me a lot. In my last years of college and normal jobs, I dated a guy who only started dating me after a football / friend bet and says he fell in love with who I am, but treated me like scum even after the fact. He cheated on me so much, he lied about everything, he used me in the beginning, and when I was desperate and needed his support he made me feel like I was nothing. I told him I was going to try stripping, it was my first taste of adult work, and I came home and cried about it because it was miserable, I won’t lie, it was just environment, and later he used it against me in a fight and even spit at me. The argument had to do, I think if I recall correctly, me getting a guys number from warped tour because I was having trouble finding my friend who ditched me to dick ride and he was sweet and made sure I was safe and gave me some free merch and KNEW I had a boyfriend and still treated me like trash. While he was cheating on me. I gave up my cats for this man who didn’t deserve even that and I poured my heart out in times I was so lost about myself and eventually I moved to a new state entirely for him and got cheated on and left still. Thankfully, I had some reassurance from his friends that he was just as shitty to them as he was to me and not to think too much into it. That didn’t stop me from ending up with someone who did similar things to me and had the audacity to treat me like I was nothing in the end. A lot of my fans know him because we did content together, something he denied after our breakup and legally threatened me about our content that he said he would never legally threaten me about. Ladies, get your fucking contracts signed and ID pictures because love is not a legal promise, I’m sorry to burst your bubble. Also, if you’re having a threesome with someone you “love” and you’re sucking his dick and he’s paying more attention to the girl sucking his fingers, bite his fucking dick I wish I would have instead of smacking him :)
MOVING ON. I questioned the safety of my job and doing content with others after that but continued anyway because it’s something I grew to love. I chose to do porn with my ex and came to love it on my own. I knew I would continue but I had my ups and downs after our breakup and almost gave it up forever. It’s not hard to question the job when you begin it with someone you love if society doesn’t fully support you. I stuck through it and started to learn more about it that I loved and I grew to start loving MYSELF. I started focusing on karma and her balance effects and I started becoming more spiritual and asking myself about the universe and what it means. I connected with people from around the world through an artist I’ll never forget and I felt something bigger than myself. At some point I started to see danger and I still stuck around, I heard my warnings and I stuck around. I got so close that bad things, very bad things happened anywhere near these people. I lost track of the goal of being kind and supporting KIND HUMANS, and karma hit me good for it and all the things I had done before. I got thrown off a moving vehicle and felt weirdly disconnected after it, and I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I pressed on. I dated around but never really met anyone I wanted to put a title to, only small flames that died very quickly. I decided it was time to date in my industry and I didn’t realize some people I would connect with that would change my life for the good and bad. I got drugged on a dinner date and I’ll be honest I’m still so fuzzy about it, which is normal, I’ve done a lot of research about this mostly because I just wanted to know if I would ever remember what happened to me that night. It’s the biggest staple that’s happened to me besides getting kicked out shortly after moving home because of depression from being drugged. That whole sequence of events is so stuck in my mind I think about both things at least once a day or every other day. Every time I have a cup of coffee I can’t help but think of my mom and I want to hate it but it reminds me of “home” or whatever the hell that childhood home feeling is. Fuck that tbh. Create your home wherever your HEART is. Also, I think back to the night I got drugged every day every other day because I’m still in SHOCK how quickly it happened and how…….scary it is to know I couldn’t even ask for help because that’s an effect of some drugs used today to sedate girls. It even stopped me for a moment from writing because that’s how….unreal it is when it happens to you. You have to ask others to piece together your night, you start wishing you would have saved an address or sent someone your location or SOMETHING. You start having UNREALISTIC thoughts about things you SHOULD understand. For example, one glass of wine should never get you so drunk you blackout for 9 hours, EVER. I do not care what your mind tries to tell you there is no WINE that strong and there is not ONE PLACE that should EVER serve you a drink that strong without some warning label (like crazy mixed drinks) or high proof liquor where they SHOULD legally LIMIT you! Do not ever try to convince yourself that anything else other than being drugged happened. Be realistic, don’t try to be a saint and say you watched your drink the whole time, I didn’t and I can tell you the exact moment they had enough time to do it because I made it a POINT to look off from the table and give myself a moment to think and enjoy the view. Be confident in the reality you know because being drugged will strip you of every sanity you’ve ever felt and it’ll take time to feel ok again.
It’s been over a year and I’m still talking and writing about it. There’s no justice for me. I’ve honestly given up hope for justice for what happened to me I don’t even think I’ll truly know what happened, and that’s ok. What I do know is I can educate and teach safety for those and advocate for there actually being a report system for being DRUGGED not just being drugged leading to a crime. Being drugged is a crime and don’t let them turn you away from that idea. It is a crime to be given ANY substance without your knowledge or permission and should be punishable by law. Along with that, I would love to see those people get help for whatever pushed them to want to drug or commit any crime. We have to see underlying needs for help inside people who commit such atrocities. WE have to be the change inside ourselves that chooses to want to help others in need, no matter how low they’ve gotten. I’ve questioned everything about what I believe in because of the interaction that lead up to me getting drugged, and losing my family that meant so much to me made me question if life has any good left in it and if I should even be here. I left my home I loved and went back to a place that made me feel small and hindered and eventually lost that too because we DO NOT GIVE ENOUGH PATIENCE TO MENTAL HEALTH AND GROWING.
Mental health comes in all forms. I hear the internet say “don’t let up on your shitty relatives who do this this and this” but…the internet also doesn’t wanna let up on people who are growing and changing so I think we need some advice on that. In therapy, which I’ve had many years of and STUDIED for many years (you want to have credit for the college you studied but also want to discredit people for not finishing college when you want to argue with their point of view knowledge is knowledge moving on) in therapy :) when whoever is growing finally brings in their spouse / support the ONE THINGS therapy says is you CANNOT keep bringing up the past while trying to move forward. If your ONLY goal is to continue to remind the person of the mistakes they’ve made even while they’re learning and continuing to progress, YOU will become the thing that hinders them and may even cause MORE problems than GOOD and YOU need to LEAVEEEEEE!!! Leave and STOP bashing the person for the things they have admitted were mistakes and need to be worked on. If you hurt a friends feelings, and every time you start to feel ok with them again they bring it up, are you going to want to keep being friends? If you hurt your spouses feelings or did something wrong in the relationship, and you’ve spent forever trying to learn and makeup for it, and all they do and tell you “well you did THIS to me” do you think you’ll want to keep making up for it? NO, and all of us have been there where we eventually look at the person and go “yes but I’ve been busting my ass trying to learn and makeup for it and it feels like it means NOTHING so why bother trying if you’re only EVER going to treat me like the person I WAS I might as well just STAY THAT WAY”. Yeah, we all have to accept that treating a person like their past will make it haunt them and will hinder their progress. If mental illness is keeping you from understanding then therapy should be a discussion. Therapy is also not the ONLY discussion as it’s only a TOOL and we have to integrate that back into our society. Therapy can also mean picking up self help books and LEARNING we should not limit the idea of people being able to understand the teachings of therapy on their own. See how complicated humans are even just with therapy techniques?
We try to simplify humans but we are not simple creatures. There are simple fixes to these complex problems and there are complex fixes to simple problems. We as humans have to start opening up together and looking outside of ourselves to help each other grow and be kinder. I know I’m not perfect, that’s the point in growing to admit that I’m not and work towards something better. I’m sorry that I’ve never shown this side of me and a lot of the internet thinks I’m some stuck up white racist bitch with a loud mouth and no morals or respect for others. I’m really not, I DO have a quick mouth, I am snappy with people who are snappy with me and I tend to lash back with similar things people say to me. I’m also able to recognize it and I’m working on it. I’m very BAD at saying things like this out loud because I get distracted and ramble about things that don’t make sense, I have HORRIBLE anxiety and laugh when things should be serious. I smile when I’m nervous and talking makes me nervous so here I am writing like I used to always do and I’m so glad I finally got back to THIS point of myself in life. I finally feel that I have values worth writing about and connecting with people on. I don’t know if I believe in god but I believe in the collective unconscious and some form of another life after this. I semi believe in reincarnation but again, collective unconscious we are all one just different forms of the universe expressing itself. I believe in karma and the balance of it all, I believe our actions have consequences and to balance that out we have to continue to try to be good to make up for even the smallest of negativity we bring. We can never be absent of either but we must always be aware of the balance and what we’re bringing to the table of life.
*takes shot to continue writing cause this shit be hard* *alcoholism intensifies*
What I’m trying to say is, if you genuinely want to see people who are successful and give back to the world, you’re gonna have to let them take more time off than others to reflect and reimagine because I cannot keep participating in a hateful aggressive world while trying to learn how to be more patient and kind. I just can’t do it. That makes me EXTREMELY suicidal even to this day, and for those reading I am in the stage of suicidal where I accept that I’m depressed about the world but I’m trying to let it be a natural mental reaction to me not knowing how to help or fix things I feel like I have pressure on me to fix. The only pressure I have is the one I’ve chosen to let ride on my shoulders and I want to help this world. I chose it a while ago and I don’t want to turn back on that. I don’t want to be hindered by people thinking I am a certain type of person because of short comments and things they truly do NOT understand about me. It’s not just me I’m worried about, if you don’t understand me how can you understand my neighbors, my family, my friends, your coworkers, your family, the strangers in your life who you judge before even meeting and DON’T stop and say “yeah but what if they experienced this, we just don’t know”. Stop and check yourself today and every day and say “yes but they could have or be or have been through” it’s time we start giving people the patience life never gave US.
Slow the world down.
Slow your LIFE down.
Slow the process down and let’s get back to connecting.
Let’s LEARN and GROW.
If you agree, you’ll support me through my mistakes and allow me to become a better person who acknowledges whatever about myself I need to and help create a better place to thrive in.
Now that we’ve gotten to this point, this is where I financially ask for support because I genuinely would like to stop stressing about bills and taking care of myself so I can focus on how to feed our people and create a system that doesn’t feel like the top rich are the only ones who ever feel free and happy. I want to be RICH in giving this world a safe place. I want to be RICH in community and feeling like I belong here because people KNOW I care about them, not just feel like I might but KNOW! I want to walk out in my community and feel like people can trust me to LOVE them for who they are and give them what they need to survive. I want to be that person and I want to find others who feel the same way and want to create a society like THAT! TOGETHER!
If that’s you, help me create that. Fuel my inspiration and support me in any way you can. I’m fucking depressed I just wanna create a better world.
I did NOT read this back because I can't read my own writings and still post it. Here's a little mess of me. ENJOY!