A short story and letter to my love.
Preface. The first night we met.
I didn’t plan to meet someone like him so suddenly but I’ll never forget the moment I laid eyes on him. I was just supposed to be working an event for a friend, helping with equipment and being an extra hand. I had passed out on the couch and before I knew it I woke up and saw this man who I had never felt so instantly insatiable for. He was beautiful, and his energy felt so wild. I raced upstairs to fix my half couch-pressed face and readjust my lashes and makeup and hope he’s into me just the same. We pack up the cars and I caught his eye once or twice but didn’t feel like he really noticed me. I keep my hopes up as I race to the venue behind them and almost ruin the show by going the wrong way. NO not tonight anything but tonight if I ruined his show I would certainly ruin my chances to impress this man.
When I pull up to the venue, thankfully, not too far off schedule, I asked my friend to tell me about him. Who is he, what is he like, is he single? He didn’t seem to talk about his relationship enough to seem taken so I took a chance to hope he was genuinely single or would be my type. He goes by Rabbit, and I’m just hoping he has some rabbit like tendencies, if ya know what I mean. Head inside, we’re unloading equipment and I start getting butterflies the more he and I brush past each other with only small glances and smiles. He seemed a little shy, and even my friend said he was a little, but his energy screamed sparks and I wanted to feel the fire. I wanted to take this risk and something, some energy, was pulling me over the moon for him.
We finished setting up and he starts warming up and practicing, and I knew he was on mushrooms so I was hyper aware of making sure he had water and was taken care of. I was doing my part, taking care of him before he even knew who I was. I was legit staring like a crazy person and felt like a stalker, but I told myself to be kind and take my time with him. I knew he was different, I could feel it in my bones and I wanted whatever THAT feeling was. Watching him practice and perform and settle into his flow was magical, and so simple at the same time. He musically projected feelings that I connected to, I could hear him speak in the notes and the songs he chose. I was ready to fall in love again and I knew in my heart it would be challenging.
The performance ends and it turns into a downtown hidden kick back. The kids would say they were very “chill vibes” and it was just some creatives having fun. Everyone was dancing and I noticed he finally started watching me. HE was watching ME! I had to check to be sure but after 2 or 3 glances and smiles I was head over heals ready to be next to him. How can I get close to him without being weird? There was a guy who was overly trying to flirt and dance with me so I used my in to sneak back behind the dj area and hide semi close to him.
“I hope you don’t mind me hiding back here, the guy who was just in front of us hasn’t gotten the hint I’m not interested” I told him awkwardly hoping he wouldn’t mind.
“Of course not, you’re fine” he responded with a giggle and we moved slightly closer to each other without hesitation.
We didn’t talk much while I was back there at first, it was a little loud and I didn’t want to be a bother. He opened up to me slowly and I was hooked at every small word or laugh. I knew I couldn’t just stay back there forever, so I went to ask my friend what we were doing after and when we leaving. When the party portion ended and we all started to act like kids and have some innocent fun, we all started loading equipment. At some point during us loading, I made him stop and I flashed him knowing he had already seen some of my content. He IS shy, he blushed so hard I felt giddy like I was having a wild adventure with a stranger who I was already falling for. It might seem like I’m being over the top, but sometimes you just feel it in your soul. When we finished unloading, I stopped to ask him about how his trip was going. I finally had some time to talk to him and connect and I wasn’t going to waste it.
We walk up the stairs making small talk and when we get up to the venue everyone is slipping and sliding in socks, having a contest. It was so kid-like and free and he lit up participating. They all kept getting the fresh socks to slide better and once they all got worn out we sat on the couch. He sat near me, the closest I had been to him, and he hadn’t stopped any of my obvious flirting before so I leaned in real close and said, as best as I can remember from how embarrassed I still feel for doing this.
“You like those fresh socks?” Joking about fetish AND seeing how he reacts to me being so close.
He starts giggling, and I can tell I may have made him a little shy by pushing so I brushed it off and pretended like I was just enjoying the night making jokes. We hangout a little longer, say our goodbyes, check for last of the equipment, and head down to the cars to leave. I knew everyone wanted to smoke, so I stopped to ask him if he’d wanna ride with me and smoke the J I had. He casually agreed since I made it a very casual offer, and before I knew it he was sitting in my car playing music on my stereo. Filling my small space with the sounds of his mind. His music taste was beautiful and I’ll never forget the first song he played that caught me off guard and made me feel….something new. Marijuana by Chrome Sparks. I can’t remember if I had ever heard them on my playlists or not, but I sure hadn’t heard this song and it struck me so hard I got chills. How could someone I just met move my heart like this and make me feel like I’m flying? He hasn’t even done anything worth being this head over heals for, but isn’t that what love at first site is? I wasn’t sure but I wasn’t going to miss out on knowing.
At this point, we stuck by each other at the house while we relaxed and smoked a bit more. I almost asked if he wanted to stay the night but I was crashing on a friends couch and how awkward to not have a place to take him. When he said goodnight and left, I cried. I cried so hard I didn’t know a stranger could make me feel like I was losing something before I ever even had a small taste. How could these emotions be possible? I don’t even know his last name, don’t have his social media, didn’t ask for a number, don’t know where he lives or what he does. This has to be an unhealthy thing, right? Or maybe I can make myself do this right and not make it an unhealthy raging fire before we’re ready to burn together. I was so distraught I almost didn’t even want to try, but talking to my friend he gave me hope that I was a soul worth loving, and I should try.
I had been through so many previous relationships, I couldn’t understand how one night at a party could make me feel like I just met a magical being. An energy worth loving and protecting, someone who gave me hope where I had lost it in love. Mostly, I knew he was my type and everything I knew about love told me, go for that burning fire. Don’t let the past get in the way of your ability to create and start a new love. I believe in the power of that fire and I believe that there are people who have it before they even know it. I want to believe in this because the world needs more hope of love like these. So I decided to brave the heartbreak and dive in.
Chapter 1. Almost…
I found his instagram through the band page and racked my brain on what to say to him. We had another event that day, so I hopped in his DMs and asked him if he were going or would like to hangout. He didn’t mention a girlfriend but he did say he’d like to try to hangout after the event. I booked an airbnb for extra time so I would have a safe place to invite him, if he was interested. I spent all day prepping and posting, watching him watch my stories and knowing he’s curious. By the time I got to the airbnb and setup, I was starting to get a bad feeling in my gut that I didn’t want to address. I didn’t want to check, but I had to know...
He had a girlfriend….he….had a girlfriend…
I tried to convince myself that it’s his sister but the captions and the holding hands, there was no denying what I saw. I was heartbroken to feel like he might cheat on her and I ended up with another man like that. I told him I knew and he didn’t really talk to me after that. I cried for hours, feeling like I had never really fallen for someone so hard so quick and I just will never have that. I was in a very bad place in my head when it comes to dating and this was just a lot for me at this moment. How could I let myself seem so dumb, letting myself go head over heals before I know someone. I really wanted to give up on meeting people to fall in love with.
I wanted to believe in my spirituality, so I asked the universe to let me love him. I asked over and over, and said if I’m patient and the spark was real, he will come to me and I won’t have to say anything. I tried my best not to drool over his pictures and distracted myself with work and doing what I do best. MAKE MONEY POPPIN PUSSYYYYYYY. I went to my first sex work convention and before I got there I told myself if I get through this with his energy in mind, after this event, he’ll message me saying he’s single.
You know this is the part where you don’t believe it works, right? I sure as hell didn’t think my prayers would come true, I was ready to give up and just tease him from the side knowing people watch even when they say they don’t. I was just gonna enjoy being who I am, and life decided to show me it’s listening.
HE! FUCKING! MESSAGED ME!
It was cute, awkward in a way, and the message was hesitant to be excited but I could tell he was so curious to get to know me. I was really getting to know this man, and I knew exactly how to hook him. I invited him to Trauma in Columbus Ohio, and if you don’t know what this event is, it’s a halloween fetish party in an old church. It’s an event for those looking to explore a little kinky side and maybe have some fun in rope and costumes. It would show me how curious he is, and since I was buying I didn’t figure he’d mind. When he said yes, I started planning the weekend and I couldn’t believe this was happening. First, we should go out first and see if we like each other a little.
He told me that he didn’t want a relationship and isn’t that always the male response just out of a relationship? I was expecting this to be his expectations but I did tell him that I was honestly lonely and wanted someone. He’s so beautiful that it was hard for me to keep my calm while trying to still get him to hangout with this crazy single cat lady pornstar. I told him that I just wanted to explore him, and in truth I did want an experience with him regardless, but I was still being hopeful of something more magical than a fling. I decided to come back to town and take him out to hangout for a bit, maybe grab a bite to eat, and hangout with my friend and I working on my promoting. I was just trying to show him who I am and what being involved with me, even as a friend, is like.
I picked him up from school and we headed out to grab some lunch. It was a little rainy and dreary but the moment he got in my car it was like I had finally felt the warmth I was missing for so long. His smile, his voice, he was just something that had never existed in the places I searched for a partner. I couldn’t help but really want him as a boyfriend, but I tried to keep my cool and take him out like the boss that I am. I didn’t want it to be over the top, I wanted to get to know him. I could tell he was a little nervous, but he had a flow to every step and motion he took and I just wanted to make him feel safe with me. We talked about his schooling, what he’s into, how he feels about me doing porn and tons of things you always talk about. Well besides the porn. Lol. When he talked about his schooling and his music interests, he lit up and his smile grew 10 times as big. I could tell he was not only smart, but he had a vast array of knowledge and an open mind for the cherry on top.
I was smitten. No going back now.
We head back after picking up weed and smoking. I’m glad it’s chilly so I can sneak a few quick close hugs to warm up next to him. At our friends place, we start discussing what I want to do and my visions. We mind map all the areas and it’s a whirlwind of ideas and inspiration. We had smoked and I…made the mistake and got him far too high earlier. When we get in the car to take him back to campus, he seems extremely uncomfortable and my heart sinks. I can feel the heartbreak coming and I can tell I’m gonna show him just how much I really like him and it’s gonna be so embarrassing. The lump is rising in my throat as he starts to tell me that…my job is a lot.
It’s a lot? Is it a lot of good or a lot of bad? I thought he didn’t want a relationship why is he freaking out about just talking about my job? Did I push it too far with showing how much I do? Does he think I’m trying to push him into porn?? He tells me how it’s just a lot to process and because he knows that I like him already it just might be too much for him. My heart is breaking and it never even got a chance to feel love. I start to cry and I completely break down and show him some of my vulnerable side. I tell him about how hard it’s been to find guys who will even give me the time of day as a human because of my job. Sometimes it’s just how overly aggressive I am and in your face I can be when I’m excited, but I feel so ashamed as I weep in front of this stranger I was already falling madly in love with.
I have a strange feeling that I should keep hope, but it’s so hard when I’ve been through so much loss in love. I head back to my friends and cry while I tell him and his girlfriend about how hard it is for me. Even they tell me to keep the hope because it is a hard lifestyle to walk into, and I try my best to hold on to the idea that he’ll be truly interested. I still had tickets to trauma and it was coming up soon. Would he still go with me? I worked up the courage to ask him after I calmed my aching heart and he said he would think about it. It felt a little cold that he couldn’t even come to an event with me when I wasn’t forcing a relationship, I genuinely did want to try to have fun with him. We talked a little before and I told him a lot about me and where I come from…..
….and he decided to come to trauma with me after all.
My emotions had been so up and down feeling like I was school girl nervous and also terrified that this has already been a crazy ride. Was I really ready for what this would bring me? I begged the universe in a moment of despair to give me a chance. I said that I would give my life to giving back and understanding how to help people if it would just let me love him and find love for myself from a man. I cried and prayed and planned for another event, this time this would be a more intimate weekend. I had an airbnb, I had all my wardrobe and I was on top of my job game. I was ready to be a person for someone that they could rely on and love with their whole being. This was it.
I invited a new friend I had met around the time to go with us to the event. There were so many pieces to this big weekend that my heart was racing and I’ve never felt so excited to go on a date with someone. Of course, I didn’t want this to be overwhelming again so I booked extra time, like always, so we could hangout beforehand / after. *looks at instagram story archives to find timeline* I had forgotten some of the beginning and going back reminds me how happy we were when we first met. It was a beautiful time then.
I bring him over to the airbnb and had some trouble finding it, but we get there safe and the place is perfect for the weekend. The only downside, we found out shortly after that we had no heat hardly the whole time. We unpack a little and I tell him he’s welcome to do homework and just use the space for whatever he needed. He’s in college and I remember what it was like and I hope that helps him feel a little more relaxed with me. We’re both a little tired, so I ask if he’d like to lay down and watch a movie. We can’t get the tv or ANYTHING in this place to work, it was so embarrassing, but we just watched netflix on a laptop and made it work.
This was the moment I was so excited for. I finally get to lay next to him and feel his energy and hold him in my arms. I get to touch him. I’ve been waiting to know what it feels like since the moment the fire raged inside me. It was like electricity had filled the air and I knew he could feel it too, I just wanted to take my time. He doesn’t mind that I want to put on a Disney movie, and that was a bonus from the start. As I nervously lay down and curl up in his heavenly arms, I feel myself sink into a moment of bliss as I let myself open up to him and show him my intimate side.
I didn’t want to talk much, I knew we would do that plenty, I wanted to see how he handles me. We had talked about him being daddy and me being kitten or princess, I didn’t know what it would feel like to have someone know what that means to me and address me as such. I was gently running my fingers in flow patters all over his chest and when I could tell he knew what I wanted, he leaned my face slightly up to his and asked me
“Is it playtime, kitten?”
I started to squirm with the giddy nervous energy of your first kiss and I wanted to let him free me from the insecurities these clothes leave me in. I didn’t even know what to say and some small noises escaped me till I could muster a squeaky “maybe”. He was slow with his touches and he carefully took his time with my body. He felt every part of me with patience and grace while he gazed at me as if I were a precious flower in bloom. I wanted every part of this and I gave all of myself to him. It was beautiful, it was fun, it was wild and it was everything I wanted. Of course, it was still new so it was still shy and hesitant but it was a fire. There was no denying it because it didn’t fade after the sex was over. It only felt intensified. I hoped I wasn’t wrong about my intuition because this was a beautiful love in the making if I’m right.
We became so enthralled with each other, so passionate it became hard to keep away from each other. I moved in with our friend as a quick way to be close to him and save money on a full place, and we started spending all our time together. Eventually, he basically moved in and just kept the things that wouldn’t fit on campus. It may have seemed like we moved too quick, but there’s nothing wrong with giving someone a safe space with you while also giving them freedom to get to know you. He wanted to spend his time at the house, so I let him live half with me and half on campus. It happened so casually little by little, it just felt like sleepovers that never ended. To add to it, I asked him if he’d like me to pay him to help out with things and he can quit his job and work whenever he can instead of on a schedule. We went from strangers to roommates and lovers in so short a time we didn’t even stop to talk about the bad things too much. We made the mistake of not talking about who we really are when it comes to how relationships work, so when we “moved in together” it started to show some signs of trouble.
The house was the first thing that hit us hard, and I didn’t realize that it would have helped us to wait till I got a better place and just upgraded in the beginning. I had hope that finally having a community behind me would help me feel better and feel less like a failure. They supported mindful awareness and healthy living, I thought my new boyfriend and I would genuinely enjoy this lifestyle for a minute. Yes, I said boyfriend. About a month after meeting we finally started dating right before I moved in. We didn’t really care to set a date because it was…not very…official how I did it? It was very kitten like and I still have the messages and wish at this moment while writing I could read them because I wish I could remind myself. I told him how I felt, wanting a daddy figure and how I wanted to be someones kitten. How I had never met someone like him in my life and that I would be honored to grow with him if he’ll have me as my kitten if he’ll be my daddy. November 9th if I’m correct…I wish I would have saved the date but dates just didn’t matter to me…I didn’t realize I would want to take dates more seriously so I could appreciate that day. It didn’t matter what day it was, it didn’t matter the time or the place or anything else. All that mattered was he really wanted me. He told my friend that he “couldn’t believe something like this exists. She’s so amazing”. He couldn’t believe I existed just like I couldn’t believe he existed. This was a dream come true, but all dreams have their bumps on the road to happiness and happily ever after.
November 3rd, 2019 - inspired writings
There’s just something about you.. (version one)
You know I dreamt about the day I would meet someone like you, mr. tall dark and handsome. I’ve done this dance over and over and this time there’s just something different I can’t quite put my tongue on. I’ll never forget the moment my eyes first met yours and those pretty blue eyes made me instantly drown. I told myself it wasn’t so. I gave it time. I gave it patience. I questioned every piece of your existence until you finally walked through my door. I don’t remember the exact moment I decided I would serve you at your feet because it came so naturally there was no hesitation. There has never been another energy I’ve met who makes me crumble to my knees the way you do. I am powerless to your control but in your arms I am all powerful, my possibilities are endless as I surrender my being to the care of your hands. I am aware of the risk it poses to fully submit to you and yet, you speak to me with honesty and you care for me before you ever make contact with my skin. I am humble by your presence for I have searched for lifetimes for someone like you. Is it the tone of your voice when you whisper in my ear that makes my skin tingle and my eyes close? Is it your eyes watching me with such darkness that I feel safe in the dark with you? There’s no possible way I can describe this feeling because I’ve literally never felt it before. I’ve spent time learning my spiritual side, I feel I’ve become quicker at learning my lessons, I feel like I’ve earned this and you. Not only did I earn this but I have the knowledge and tools and passion to give back everything I will be given. I feel like you see me...you see me the way I see you and maybe I’m wrong but maybe JUST maybe I’m right.
I used to feel like I had this...fire inside me but I just wasn’t bright enough to light the room entirely. Even if I could, I always wished someone would light my fire for once instead of me being the light all the time. I am brighter with you and because of you. I am kinder because of you.
I feel, not alive, but worth living.
Everyone deserves someone to make them feel like the effort they put in, deserves something back. You are the greatest reward I could ever ask for, and I hope to reward you forever.
There’s just something about you.. (version two)
I’ve spent a lot of time watching, and feeling, and there’s just not a lot of connection in this world for people like me. I feel lost, drained, as if I’m missing something that can’t be found. I almost gave up searching because the pain of loneliness was too much to bear at times. I see the world for the beautiful disaster it has become and I’ve always wanted someone to share it with.
I daydream these fantasies that most would find odd, even disturbing, and I find myself becoming bored with the depth of the people around me, but I’ve been searching for an energy to make me feel...demagnetized.
Why would I wanna feel demagnetized? Simple.
Being fully charged with all that energy, pulling in and attracting so much other energy, it can be exhausting and the recharge comes in many forms for each individual. I’ve tasted darkness and it’s as sweet as honey, who will drip gold on my tongue and lick me clean of sorrow?