A short story and letter to my love.
Preface. The first night we met.
I didn’t plan to meet someone like him so suddenly but I’ll never forget the moment I laid eyes on him. I was just supposed to be working an event for a friend, helping with equipment and being an extra hand. I had passed out on the couch and before I knew it I woke up and saw this man who I had never felt so instantly insatiable for. He was beautiful, and his energy felt so wild. I raced upstairs to fix my half couch-pressed face and readjust my lashes and makeup and hope he’s into me just the same. We pack up the cars and I caught his eye once or twice but didn’t feel like he really noticed me. I keep my hopes up as I race to the venue behind them and almost ruin the show by going the wrong way. NO not tonight anything but tonight if I ruined his show I would certainly ruin my chances to impress this man.
When I pull up to the venue, thankfully, not too far off schedule, I asked my friend to tell me about him. Who is he, what is he like, is he single? He didn’t seem to talk about his relationship enough to seem taken so I took a chance to hope he was genuinely single or would be my type. He goes by Rabbit, and I’m just hoping he has some rabbit like tendencies, if ya know what I mean. Head inside, we’re unloading equipment and I start getting butterflies the more he and I brush past each other with only small glances and smiles. He seemed a little shy, and even my friend said he was a little, but his energy screamed sparks and I wanted to feel the fire. I wanted to take this risk and something, some energy, was pulling me over the moon for him.
We finished setting up and he starts warming up and practicing, and I knew he was on mushrooms so I was hyper aware of making sure he had water and was taken care of. I was doing my part, taking care of him before he even knew who I was. I was legit staring like a crazy person and felt like a stalker, but I told myself to be kind and take my time with him. I knew he was different, I could feel it in my bones and I wanted whatever THAT feeling was. Watching him practice and perform and settle into his flow was magical, and so simple at the same time. He musically projected feelings that I connected to, I could hear him speak in the notes and the songs he chose. I was ready to fall in love again and I knew in my heart it would be challenging.
The performance ends and it turns into a downtown hidden kick back. The kids would say they were very “chill vibes” and it was just some creatives having fun. Everyone was dancing and I noticed he finally started watching me. HE was watching ME! I had to check to be sure but after 2 or 3 glances and smiles I was head over heals ready to be next to him. How can I get close to him without being weird? There was a guy who was overly trying to flirt and dance with me so I used my in to sneak back behind the dj area and hide semi close to him.
“I hope you don’t mind me hiding back here, the guy who was just in front of us hasn’t gotten the hint I’m not interested” I told him awkwardly hoping he wouldn’t mind.
“Of course not, you’re fine” he responded with a giggle and we moved slightly closer to each other without hesitation.
We didn’t talk much while I was back there at first, it was a little loud and I didn’t want to be a bother. He opened up to me slowly and I was hooked at every small word or laugh. I knew I couldn’t just stay back there forever, so I went to ask my friend what we were doing after and when we leaving. When the party portion ended and we all started to act like kids and have some innocent fun, we all started loading equipment. At some point during us loading, I made him stop and I flashed him knowing he had already seen some of my content. He IS shy, he blushed so hard I felt giddy like I was having a wild adventure with a stranger who I was already falling for. It might seem like I’m being over the top, but sometimes you just feel it in your soul. When we finished unloading, I stopped to ask him about how his trip was going. I finally had some time to talk to him and connect and I wasn’t going to waste it.
We walk up the stairs making small talk and when we get up to the venue everyone is slipping and sliding in socks, having a contest. It was so kid-like and free and he lit up participating. They all kept getting the fresh socks to slide better and once they all got worn out we sat on the couch. He sat near me, the closest I had been to him, and he hadn’t stopped any of my obvious flirting before so I leaned in real close and said, as best as I can remember from how embarrassed I still feel for doing this.
“You like those fresh socks?” Joking about fetish AND seeing how he reacts to me being so close.
He starts giggling, and I can tell I may have made him a little shy by pushing so I brushed it off and pretended like I was just enjoying the night making jokes. We hangout a little longer, say our goodbyes, check for last of the equipment, and head down to the cars to leave. I knew everyone wanted to smoke, so I stopped to ask him if he’d wanna ride with me and smoke the J I had. He casually agreed since I made it a very casual offer, and before I knew it he was sitting in my car playing music on my stereo. Filling my small space with the sounds of his mind. His music taste was beautiful and I’ll never forget the first song he played that caught me off guard and made me feel….something new. Marijuana by Chrome Sparks. I can’t remember if I had ever heard them on my playlists or not, but I sure hadn’t heard this song and it struck me so hard I got chills. How could someone I just met move my heart like this and make me feel like I’m flying? He hasn’t even done anything worth being this head over heals for, but isn’t that what love at first site is? I wasn’t sure but I wasn’t going to miss out on knowing.
At this point, we stuck by each other at the house while we relaxed and smoked a bit more. I almost asked if he wanted to stay the night but I was crashing on a friends couch and how awkward to not have a place to take him. When he said goodnight and left, I cried. I cried so hard I didn’t know a stranger could make me feel like I was losing something before I ever even had a small taste. How could these emotions be possible? I don’t even know his last name, don’t have his social media, didn’t ask for a number, don’t know where he lives or what he does. This has to be an unhealthy thing, right? Or maybe I can make myself do this right and not make it an unhealthy raging fire before we’re ready to burn together. I was so distraught I almost didn’t even want to try, but talking to my friend he gave me hope that I was a soul worth loving, and I should try.
I had been through so many previous relationships, I couldn’t understand how one night at a party could make me feel like I just met a magical being. An energy worth loving and protecting, someone who gave me hope where I had lost it in love. Mostly, I knew he was my type and everything I knew about love told me, go for that burning fire. Don’t let the past get in the way of your ability to create and start a new love. I believe in the power of that fire and I believe that there are people who have it before they even know it. I want to believe in this because the world needs more hope of love like these. So I decided to brave the heartbreak and dive in.
Chapter 1. Almost…
I found his instagram through the band page and racked my brain on what to say to him. We had another event that day, so I hopped in his DMs and asked him if he were going or would like to hangout. He didn’t mention a girlfriend but he did say he’d like to try to hangout after the event. I booked an airbnb for extra time so I would have a safe place to invite him, if he was interested. I spent all day prepping and posting, watching him watch my stories and knowing he’s curious. By the time I got to the airbnb and setup, I was starting to get a bad feeling in my gut that I didn’t want to address. I didn’t want to check, but I had to know...
He had a girlfriend….he….had a girlfriend…
I tried to convince myself that it’s his sister but the captions and the holding hands, there was no denying what I saw. I was heartbroken to feel like he might cheat on her and I ended up with another man like that. I told him I knew and he didn’t really talk to me after that. I cried for hours, feeling like I had never really fallen for someone so hard so quick and I just will never have that. I was in a very bad place in my head when it comes to dating and this was just a lot for me at this moment. How could I let myself seem so dumb, letting myself go head over heals before I know someone. I really wanted to give up on meeting people to fall in love with.
I wanted to believe in my spirituality, so I asked the universe to let me love him. I asked over and over, and said if I’m patient and the spark was real, he will come to me and I won’t have to say anything. I tried my best not to drool over his pictures and distracted myself with work and doing what I do best. MAKE MONEY POPPIN PUSSYYYYYYY. I went to my first sex work convention and before I got there I told myself if I get through this with his energy in mind, after this event, he’ll message me saying he’s single.
You know this is the part where you don’t believe it works, right? I sure as hell didn’t think my prayers would come true, I was ready to give up and just tease him from the side knowing people watch even when they say they don’t. I was just gonna enjoy being who I am, and life decided to show me it’s listening.
HE! FUCKING! MESSAGED ME!
It was cute, awkward in a way, and the message was hesitant to be excited but I could tell he was so curious to get to know me. I was really getting to know this man, and I knew exactly how to hook him. I invited him to Trauma in Columbus Ohio, and if you don’t know what this event is, it’s a halloween fetish party in an old church. It’s an event for those looking to explore a little kinky side and maybe have some fun in rope and costumes. It would show me how curious he is, and since I was buying I didn’t figure he’d mind. When he said yes, I started planning the weekend and I couldn’t believe this was happening. First, we should go out first and see if we like each other a little.
He told me that he didn’t want a relationship and isn’t that always the male response just out of a relationship? I was expecting this to be his expectations but I did tell him that I was honestly lonely and wanted someone. He’s so beautiful that it was hard for me to keep my calm while trying to still get him to hangout with this crazy single cat lady pornstar. I told him that I just wanted to explore him, and in truth I did want an experience with him regardless, but I was still being hopeful of something more magical than a fling. I decided to come back to town and take him out to hangout for a bit, maybe grab a bite to eat, and hangout with my friend and I working on my promoting. I was just trying to show him who I am and what being involved with me, even as a friend, is like.
I picked him up from school and we headed out to grab some lunch. It was a little rainy and dreary but the moment he got in my car it was like I had finally felt the warmth I was missing for so long. His smile, his voice, he was just something that had never existed in the places I searched for a partner. I couldn’t help but really want him as a boyfriend, but I tried to keep my cool and take him out like the boss that I am. I didn’t want it to be over the top, I wanted to get to know him. I could tell he was a little nervous, but he had a flow to every step and motion he took and I just wanted to make him feel safe with me. We talked about his schooling, what he’s into, how he feels about me doing porn and tons of things you always talk about. Well besides the porn. Lol. When he talked about his schooling and his music interests, he lit up and his smile grew 10 times as big. I could tell he was not only smart, but he had a vast array of knowledge and an open mind for the cherry on top.
I was smitten. No going back now.
We head back after picking up weed and smoking. I’m glad it’s chilly so I can sneak a few quick close hugs to warm up next to him. At our friends place, we start discussing what I want to do and my visions. We mind map all the areas and it’s a whirlwind of ideas and inspiration. We had smoked and I…made the mistake and got him far too high earlier. When we get in the car to take him back to campus, he seems extremely uncomfortable and my heart sinks. I can feel the heartbreak coming and I can tell I’m gonna show him just how much I really like him and it’s gonna be so embarrassing. The lump is rising in my throat as he starts to tell me that…my job is a lot.
It’s a lot? Is it a lot of good or a lot of bad? I thought he didn’t want a relationship why is he freaking out about just talking about my job? Did I push it too far with showing how much I do? Does he think I’m trying to push him into porn?? He tells me how it’s just a lot to process and because he knows that I like him already it just might be too much for him. My heart is breaking and it never even got a chance to feel love. I start to cry and I completely break down and show him some of my vulnerable side. I tell him about how hard it’s been to find guys who will even give me the time of day as a human because of my job. Sometimes it’s just how overly aggressive I am and in your face I can be when I’m excited, but I feel so ashamed as I weep in front of this stranger I was already falling madly in love with.
I have a strange feeling that I should keep hope, but it’s so hard when I’ve been through so much loss in love. I head back to my friends and cry while I tell him and his girlfriend about how hard it is for me. Even they tell me to keep the hope because it is a hard lifestyle to walk into, and I try my best to hold on to the idea that he’ll be truly interested. I still had tickets to trauma and it was coming up soon. Would he still go with me? I worked up the courage to ask him after I calmed my aching heart and he said he would think about it. It felt a little cold that he couldn’t even come to an event with me when I wasn’t forcing a relationship, I genuinely did want to try to have fun with him. We talked a little before and I told him a lot about me and where I come from…..
….and he decided to come to trauma with me after all.
My emotions had been so up and down feeling like I was school girl nervous and also terrified that this has already been a crazy ride. Was I really ready for what this would bring me? I begged the universe in a moment of despair to give me a chance. I said that I would give my life to giving back and understanding how to help people if it would just let me love him and find love for myself from a man. I cried and prayed and planned for another event, this time this would be a more intimate weekend. I had an airbnb, I had all my wardrobe and I was on top of my job game. I was ready to be a person for someone that they could rely on and love with their whole being. This was it.
I invited a new friend I had met around the time to go with us to the event. There were so many pieces to this big weekend that my heart was racing and I’ve never felt so excited to go on a date with someone. Of course, I didn’t want this to be overwhelming again so I booked extra time, like always, so we could hangout beforehand / after. *looks at instagram story archives to find timeline* I had forgotten some of the beginning and going back reminds me how happy we were when we first met. It was a beautiful time then.
I bring him over to the airbnb and had some trouble finding it, but we get there safe and the place is perfect for the weekend. The only downside, we found out shortly after that we had no heat hardly the whole time. We unpack a little and I tell him he’s welcome to do homework and just use the space for whatever he needed. He’s in college and I remember what it was like and I hope that helps him feel a little more relaxed with me. We’re both a little tired, so I ask if he’d like to lay down and watch a movie. We can’t get the tv or ANYTHING in this place to work, it was so embarrassing, but we just watched netflix on a laptop and made it work.
This was the moment I was so excited for. I finally get to lay next to him and feel his energy and hold him in my arms. I get to touch him. I’ve been waiting to know what it feels like since the moment the fire raged inside me. It was like electricity had filled the air and I knew he could feel it too, I just wanted to take my time. He doesn’t mind that I want to put on a Disney movie, and that was a bonus from the start. As I nervously lay down and curl up in his heavenly arms, I feel myself sink into a moment of bliss as I let myself open up to him and show him my intimate side.
I didn’t want to talk much, I knew we would do that plenty, I wanted to see how he handles me. We had talked about him being daddy and me being kitten or princess, I didn’t know what it would feel like to have someone know what that means to me and address me as such. I was gently running my fingers in flow patters all over his chest and when I could tell he knew what I wanted, he leaned my face slightly up to his and asked me
“Is it playtime, kitten?”
I started to squirm with the giddy nervous energy of your first kiss and I wanted to let him free me from the insecurities these clothes leave me in. I didn’t even know what to say and some small noises escaped me till I could muster a squeaky “maybe”. He was slow with his touches and he carefully took his time with my body. He felt every part of me with patience and grace while he gazed at me as if I were a precious flower in bloom. I wanted every part of this and I gave all of myself to him. It was beautiful, it was fun, it was wild and it was everything I wanted. Of course, it was still new so it was still shy and hesitant but it was a fire. There was no denying it because it didn’t fade after the sex was over. It only felt intensified. I hoped I wasn’t wrong about my intuition because this was a beautiful love in the making if I’m right.
We became so enthralled with each other, so passionate it became hard to keep away from each other. I moved in with our friend as a quick way to be close to him and save money on a full place, and we started spending all our time together. Eventually, he basically moved in and just kept the things that wouldn’t fit on campus. It may have seemed like we moved too quick, but there’s nothing wrong with giving someone a safe space with you while also giving them freedom to get to know you. He wanted to spend his time at the house, so I let him live half with me and half on campus. It happened so casually little by little, it just felt like sleepovers that never ended. To add to it, I asked him if he’d like me to pay him to help out with things and he can quit his job and work whenever he can instead of on a schedule. We went from strangers to roommates and lovers in so short a time we didn’t even stop to talk about the bad things too much. We made the mistake of not talking about who we really are when it comes to how relationships work, so when we “moved in together” it started to show some signs of trouble.
The house was the first thing that hit us hard, and I didn’t realize that it would have helped us to wait till I got a better place and just upgraded in the beginning. I had hope that finally having a community behind me would help me feel better and feel less like a failure. They supported mindful awareness and healthy living, I thought my new boyfriend and I would genuinely enjoy this lifestyle for a minute. Yes, I said boyfriend. About a month after meeting we finally started dating right before I moved in. We didn’t really care to set a date because it was…not very…official how I did it? It was very kitten like and I still have the messages and wish at this moment while writing I could read them because I wish I could remind myself. I told him how I felt, wanting a daddy figure and how I wanted to be someones kitten. How I had never met someone like him in my life and that I would be honored to grow with him if he’ll have me as my kitten if he’ll be my daddy. November 9th if I’m correct…I wish I would have saved the date but dates just didn’t matter to me…I didn’t realize I would want to take dates more seriously so I could appreciate that day. It didn’t matter what day it was, it didn’t matter the time or the place or anything else. All that mattered was he really wanted me. He told my friend that he “couldn’t believe something like this exists. She’s so amazing”. He couldn’t believe I existed just like I couldn’t believe he existed. This was a dream come true, but all dreams have their bumps on the road to happiness and happily ever after.
November 3rd, 2019 - inspired writings
There’s just something about you.. (version one)
You know I dreamt about the day I would meet someone like you, mr. tall dark and handsome. I’ve done this dance over and over and this time there’s just something different I can’t quite put my tongue on. I’ll never forget the moment my eyes first met yours and those pretty blue eyes made me instantly drown. I told myself it wasn’t so. I gave it time. I gave it patience. I questioned every piece of your existence until you finally walked through my door. I don’t remember the exact moment I decided I would serve you at your feet because it came so naturally there was no hesitation. There has never been another energy I’ve met who makes me crumble to my knees the way you do. I am powerless to your control but in your arms I am all powerful, my possibilities are endless as I surrender my being to the care of your hands. I am aware of the risk it poses to fully submit to you and yet, you speak to me with honesty and you care for me before you ever make contact with my skin. I am humble by your presence for I have searched for lifetimes for someone like you. Is it the tone of your voice when you whisper in my ear that makes my skin tingle and my eyes close? Is it your eyes watching me with such darkness that I feel safe in the dark with you? There’s no possible way I can describe this feeling because I’ve literally never felt it before. I’ve spent time learning my spiritual side, I feel I’ve become quicker at learning my lessons, I feel like I’ve earned this and you. Not only did I earn this but I have the knowledge and tools and passion to give back everything I will be given. I feel like you see me...you see me the way I see you and maybe I’m wrong but maybe JUST maybe I’m right.
I used to feel like I had this...fire inside me but I just wasn’t bright enough to light the room entirely. Even if I could, I always wished someone would light my fire for once instead of me being the light all the time. I am brighter with you and because of you. I am kinder because of you.
I feel, not alive, but worth living.
Everyone deserves someone to make them feel like the effort they put in, deserves something back. You are the greatest reward I could ever ask for, and I hope to reward you forever.
There’s just something about you.. (version two)
I’ve spent a lot of time watching, and feeling, and there’s just not a lot of connection in this world for people like me. I feel lost, drained, as if I’m missing something that can’t be found. I almost gave up searching because the pain of loneliness was too much to bear at times. I see the world for the beautiful disaster it has become and I’ve always wanted someone to share it with.
I daydream these fantasies that most would find odd, even disturbing, and I find myself becoming bored with the depth of the people around me, but I’ve been searching for an energy to make me feel...demagnetized.
Why would I wanna feel demagnetized? Simple.
Being fully charged with all that energy, pulling in and attracting so much other energy, it can be exhausting and the recharge comes in many forms for each individual. I’ve tasted darkness and it’s as sweet as honey, who will drip gold on my tongue and lick me clean of sorrow?
Humble me. No matter how high my flames climb I find the beast inside you to tame me in the fire. I submit to darkness and allow chaos to flood my soul and heal my wounds when I submit to your control. Surrender is my only option because surrender is understanding of our faults. I surrender to your hand as you guide me into power. Your power is mine as I fall to my knees for your control and your leash, master. Where I see fear you see fantasy and my chaos becomes your creativity, I am a curious kitten and you discovered a pet.
Chapter 2. Getting deeper
The house brought us some of the problems that carried on throughout our relationship. We had trouble with the roommates and cleaning properly, not to mention Rabbit was a little messy from the way he was raised. I didn’t realize that the mindful house wouldn’t be able to understand things like reteaching people good habits, so they took it to heart and put a weight on our new relationship. He had basically moved in, but he still had a place of his own and didn’t always stay. I didn’t ask him to pay rent because I offered to pay, plus I wouldn’t let him! We we’re basically living in a closet together and I already felt quite overcharged for how many people were constantly in the house and we had to stay in an airbnb shortly after for repairs they sprung on us out of nowhere. The house was not feeling very safe and we started discussing moving out as soon as possible to help keep our groundings. We weren’t perfect roommates, we had our rough days, but I didn’t realize that my boyfriend had slack on things they got upset with me for and we ended up not having the friendship.
It all started when I began decorating, moving things around to help with flow and space, and giving gifts to smoke and smoke with. I brought all my merch to give their company a connect to new collab opportunities. I had so much motivation when we moved in with them because of the energy there, and slowly they began to leave me and rabbit behind in favor for only their personal interests. They asked us to work events and didn’t pay when they said they would, they required hours of time and energy and made our safe place a chaos zone for parties and business meetings and we didn’t feel like our quiet space was safe anymore. I knew he was struggling and I wanted to give us a little better opportunity. I kept trying to decorate, reclean things, redo the house to inspire him to make music or just be himself. I wanted the house to feel included by me and feel those touches I give from a place of love. When things got rough, I still tried to be there for them but there were some mental health issues that became apparent with my roommates drinking and drug use. Unhealthy habits that bled over into how they treated us and we started falling behind just the same.
The room we had was the smallest and it was hardly easy to navigate space and feeling like we could be ourselves. Our roommates were constantly bringing people in and out so we tended to feel very distraught, both of us having social anxiety. I knew he was shy, I didn’t realize just how much he liked being alone to do some things just like I did. We started to drift apart when the house became too much, but our love kept a spark there that we just couldn’t deny, so we pushed through everything. We made the house work, and even for a bit we made plans to have days apart and work together some days. There was no denying it felt like we were a smooth working team who could get through whatever was thrown at us. I really believed that there was nothing that could make him fall out of love with me, truly madly deeply. To this day, I know he still loves me.
When I met him he was on mushrooms….I knew we were going to dabble a little, I just hoped we would be safe and healthy. Since the house was also open to use, it was a topic I wanted to delve into for the use of help with anxiety and other traumas. I remember the night that I took shrooms on my own and Rabbit seemed so…distant during something he describes as being so important to treat people well while tripping. He was distant, he was also rehearsing but even after rehearsal it seemed like he avoided me. He spent more time by himself than he did with me tripping, and it was one of the first times I felt really abandoned by him. I couldn’t understand how someone who talked about using psychedelics and the experiences they bring and treat mine as if he didn’t want to be around me. During the trip, he had told me his parents found my social media and they didn’t like that I was hosting the event the next night. They decided not to come to his performance because of me, and it was the first time we had a feeling of divide for many reasons. This was a hard trip for me, it shook me and reminded me that I needed to do better with this man because things were gonna get harder.
I saw the gods yelling from above at me telling me that I needed to be kind to him, I needed to be patient and not make him feel bad for what was going on. I felt hated, like I was doing something wrong and that maybe I needed to shape my life up to be with him. I felt terrified during my trip because I felt like I had ruined my chances at meeting his parents without them immediately hating me. The trip gave me a want to push through, and I really wanted to get us healthy and work towards good communication and a healthy life. I didn’t know why it felt like I was disconnected with the universe so much, but I had a whole hell of a lot to learn about people and I didn’t even realize it. Until we gained more relationship experience, I thought that what you see is what you get and there are more easy fixes to help people.
We decided to play with our girl Molly one night when we found someone trustworthy who sold. I don’t typically use it more than once or twice a year because it’s so harsh, but I wanted to give him some of the experiences I had. We didn’t even realize how much we would end up learning from a drug that seems so…dirty in the media. It’s a party drug, but when doing psychological research you can find that some people are talking about using Molly in relationship therapy. We were ready to feel each other in an overly connected way but Molly made us open our minds and spend time really digging deep. It was the first time I felt like he let his guard down with me and I really knew who he was. I loved it, I loved meeting this side of him. He was such an open minded and deep individual with ideas about life that I found so fascinating. He talked about the universal connection, the thing I felt in my spirituality that saved me. He talked about science and music and culture and could he really be this vastly magical in that marvelous human body and mind? He and I talked into the night and it helped us last a little longer through the house drama and life drama.
The experiences we were diving head first into over and over got us so close in such a short time, but it also drove us away a little quicker than we planned. Christmas and New Years came and the holidays took a toll on the both of us and even the house. Our friends were struggling with drinking extremely heavy, using more drugs than I was even aware of, and the house energy became toxic into the new year. I could feel something was going to happen in 2020 that was big, I just didn’t think it would be everything that we went through. Before we headed to families for Christmas, he told me he was going home to spend time with his family, and then ended up at a party when I was wishing we could just hangout. Why wouldn’t my boyfriend invite me to a party? It just doesn’t make sense and it started to nag at my paranoia from being hurt before. I didn’t make a big deal about it at first, but he started to get really odd in the way he talked about things. He talked about his guy friends by name and there were some he said my one friend and I wondered why he only mentioned some by name.
I decided to pick him up and take him to Christmas with me last minute in hopes it would bring us together more. He didn’t really enjoy being at home and sounded miserable, so I was on a mission to rescue his holiday and make it magical! We struggled with telling his family he wasn’t coming because he had a “music gig” or whatever the made up reason was. I don’t think they bought it, and it hurt him in a way I wouldn’t even understand how bad until much too long after I should have addressed it. I was making it harder for him to feel safe with me, I thought I was giving him an out to be himself. Christmas Eve, he told me that there was a girl at the party that he had previously slept with who he had a conversation about onlyfans with. I was upset for so many reasons and I even remember making a mental note that it was a harsh Christmas revelation and I realized I really needed to get to know this man I’m with. He didn’t tell me so much about that party and he only let me get pieces as he felt like it, and I wanted to know who he was.
New Years was a mess, it was the first time he saw me go through something scary while I was fucked up. I was drinking, enjoying treating everyone, buying shots and having a good time and the bartender was giving us extra for hosting the night. Part way through, I started having anxiety about if someone had slipped something in my drink and because Rabbit and I weren’t 100% open with each other yet I was getting paranoid. I was drugged on a dinner date in the beginning of 2019, and it makes it hard to believe that even being with him for so long that he couldn’t do something like that. I ended up too drunk, throwing up, and when we got home I didn’t want to take open bottles of water because at that point I was worried anything could happen to me and I didn’t trust him. I felt horrible about it when I sobered up and I tried to explain to him that we had just gone through a lot and I was feeling a little sad about it. It hit a trigger in my heart because not feeling like I could trust him made me question big things that could be dangerous. I’m still working on it, but I’ve come a long way and he was the biggest part in my healing.
The house felt…cold and a little lifeless after New Years and tension in the house was extremely high. We were all struggling from things we didn’t openly discuss, not one of us, and my anxiety about one of my bongs getting broke was at an all time high. When I discovered that my bong was broke I lost it and I couldn’t handle the stress from all the disappointment anymore. I was tired from giving so much and still not feeling as patiently understood as I tried to do for them till I couldn’t handle it. I cleaned, I decorated, gave my time my money my energy and I felt like I still didn’t have the support I felt I was giving. I had horrible social anxiety in the house as did my boyfriend and they never slowed down enough to see how hard it was on us all the time. No warnings on parties or events, no public schedule with info to let us know for our sanity. We were going through the parental issues, communication problems about girls, drug and alcohol worries and just trying to find our happiness in ourselves. I snapped and finally broke down and we left the house in a screaming whirlwind.
Not even a month into 2020 and I rushed us into an upgrade of a home, and got us out as quickly as we could. I couldn’t lose the love I knew we had because of all the shit we had been through, he was worth it. Life is more than just being successful, finding love that lights your fire is just as much a success in life that can make your garden thrive. I wanted to give us a fresh start and show him I was able to make life more abundant than it had become. I knew I needed the space for myself so I pushed for every last energy and effort I had to secure us a happy home. I love this man, why would I not give him the hope that life never gave me? It was a chance to start again. Until another big emergency hit and turned to heartbreak before even fully in the new home..
My baby kitty Kinslee passed away and I was crushed. It felt like I couldn’t get a break and I was starting to need my boyfriend to be there for me. I needed him to step up and show me that he could take care of the house and help me work a bit so I wouldn’t fall behind being sad. He helped me but the stress was becoming overwhelming, and that’s when it seemed like he was uncomfortable about intimate conversations. I had just went through losing my little nugget, who lit up my life in ways I had never had in a pet before. She helped me through so much and I wasn’t ready for my support to start drifting away from me. I knew I needed to remind him I was still in love with him with an act of inspiration. I needed to show him he’s loved beyond any normal love. I was struggling but I was pushing forward with everything that I have. I wanted to give him a Valentines Day to remember forever.
I didn’t expect a big gift from him, he seems to be new to the intimate gifts and I find it cute that he gets nervous with gifts. I planned the whole day and how to setup for it. I started his school schedule and planned accordingly including time for him to finish his gift and get ready. As soon as he left, I started cleaning up, setting up the candles and red ribbon to mark a path, I set up little notes to tell him what to do, I bought nerf guns and made myself all sexy. I prepped his gift bag and his card and set up the rules for the walk through so he would feel each part and how it meant something for every little piece. I put my heart into it because we were doing Molly again and I was so excited to talk to him all night. I was hoping we could enjoy more sexy time, but I was genuinely excited to connect deeper yet again with him. That was more of a gift than any sexy night would ever bring me joy, but trust me I wanted to be sexy for him.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME I was on my period and made me a little more upset than usual, of course, and I was struggling to want to be sexy that day. I was also extremely tired from the amount of time I spent setting up for everything and needed to rest a bit. I had setup cameras to record everything and remember his reaction, but a part of me wishes I wouldn’t have seen it. When he finally came home and everything was ready, he took his time walking through and when he saw me, he just didn’t seem to light up the way I thought he would. My heart was crushed and it made the day a little harder, as if we needed anymore stress from things being hard to handle. We went out to eat and shot a little content and rested before we dropped a little later. I was hoping our wonderful girl Molly would open up the tension we were going through that seeped into our holidays.
We get ready to drop and just like the first time, we didn’t think it was going to work. We waited and when we thought the same Molly we took the first time wasn’t going to work, it started to work our minds and allow us to flow our thoughts freely together. We start talking about all the stress we’ve been through and the connection we were struggling with from time to time. We talked about the holidays and all the things I did for him and how I just wanted him to open up and do the same for me. It felt like there was a hesitation at first and then the flood gates open when we hit the peak. It revived us, for a moment, and we felt connected again like we did the first time. It was a beautiful therapeutic connection through communication and flow thoughts. I thought we were on the way back to being our best.
When corona hit full second wave, I was terrified to see him go through it again and quarantine seemed innocent and kind of fun. He was so good at hiding how unhappy he was, that I didn’t see just how depressed he had become until he was no longer going to school on campus. Once we were stuck in the house all day every day, it hit us like a brick wall and the stress was overwhelming for both of us. He had a hard time keeping himself motivated and I didn’t want to breathe down his neck unless something really needed done. I watched him lose interest in his music and art and learning and he started disconnecting before my eyes. I was worried about the love of my life and I didn’t know how to help him when we didn’t have much access to things at the time.
The stress of the world took on so much that I ended up going through some things that made me fully break down. My life took a turn that truly affected me and I didn’t want him to feel like it was on his shoulders to fix the problems, only to help with what he could and love me while I heal. I was constantly letting him know if I was anxious or depressed and I think how often I was telling him, it wore off on him a little. The rates of divorce and couples separating over quarantine was so high, but I didn’t want us to be another statistic. I could feel the pressure building and we just needed out of our house.
June 16th 8:50am
I love you
I didn’t forget what to say
It just seemed to get lost in the day
Here’s a reminder
I love you
Three little words just aren't much
I feel like I need to find more words and such
But just in case
I love you
The sun can’t shine near as bright
As the twinkle in your eyes so light
I fell into them and now
I love you
No matter gray skies or clear
Your energy is great both far and near
And at every distance
I love you
Your voice your looks your gentle touch
The way you see life inspires so much
If you still need to hear
I love you
The night we met was filled with magic
If we ever lost it, it would feel so tragic
Our love is worth the world
I love you
We tried doing arts and crafts, setting up video game time for him, I tried to make occasional fun days when we weren’t doing well and it wasn’t making it seem easier. There was a moment when we just started snapping at each other, and it became a whirlwind of chaos that brought us to where we are today. Struggling to figure this out. Struggling to figure out did I just spend almost a year of my life with someone who left because it was just too hard? My birthday was the final tipping point and after that it was only a matter of time before he snapped. I took us to Nashville, July 25th, for my birthday and on the trip the intimate hiding came to light and I felt uncomfortable. I had never had a boyfriend who hid porn or getting off from me though I wasn’t upset about him being uncomfortable. I was upset that we talked about it through the hard months of quarantine and throughout our relationship and he still chose to hurt me and lie to me. After all these beautiful moments, connecting on life, bridging relationships and learning how to give love and kindness to the world. Having conversations about programs to save the world, fun things about why the world works. On my birthday, I didn’t get a gift and we had to leave early because he was having an emotional breakdown after I got upset for feeling like I wasn’t close with him anymore. I felt betrayed and I made a mistake and snapped instead of giving him love.
I needed my birthday to replenish my self love and my love for life and I felt stripped of the only thing that was helping me get to where I needed to be. Before my birthday he had taken a family vacation to Florida. That was a chaotic event of us screaming and fighting and both of us feeling like the other was being understood. Our love was breaking before my eyes and I didn’t know how to save it. I kept pushing him further away from the hurt and lack of love I was feeling and he was hiding and running further away the more my hurt scared him. The fire was still there, we just couldn’t feel the flames because of the ice that started to form.
Chapter 3. I should have....
I can think of so many times I should have reacted differently instead of reacting out of fear. Moments I remember he was just scared and needed love and I broke him down in hopes he would learn he shouldn’t fuck with me or hurt me. All I did was strip him of the idea that being with me is open and free, and he started to feel like there were rules for everything. I made him feel like he had to tell me every detail of his life and personal experiences as a rule and not just teaching him that it’s intimate to share those things. I punished him for hiding when he was afraid to open up instead of giving him another reassurance that even though he wants to hide, I’ll be here for him. I stopped being the person I set out to be because I let life weigh me down and wasn’t even aware of how bad I let it. I became a weight on his shoulders instead of the spark to his flame.
My first mistake was addressing him hiding girls in an aggressive way. I knew he had girlfriends who ridiculed him for having girl friends and I wanted him to feel like I didn’t care who he’s friends with, as long as they’re not a secret. The secrets and the lies set me off and many times I caught myself yelling at him when I could tell he wasn’t doing well with my reactions. I saw him have panic attacks and I genuinely thought it was just the stress of life combined with us working on things. I was forcing his fear of hatred from me even further in his face, and I wish with my whole heart I could have not been so angry. I wish I could have given him the love I saw in his heart that he needed. I wish I could have known what to do then so I wouldn’t be where I am now, wishing that he would just come home.
I wish I would have tried harder to include myself in his personal life sooner, maybe it wouldn’t have taken such a toll on me when he started hiding from me with friends. Again, I ended up letting my insecurities and fears of being not wanted around his personal friends or family. I didn’t want his family to give him a hard time, I wanted him to be ready when I met them, but I ended up feeling like he lived a separate life from time to time. I still chose to get frustrated and not listen when I should have given him the chance to be himself and feel free. There is a part of me that feels like he may have just not been as happy with me as he says, but I started noticing weird things about him that I didn’t think about fully till it all crashed. He was shy, very smart, he was so kind with his ideas for life and he was so creative. There was no way this man doesn’t have the heart I felt in him for so long.
The story of our love gets difficult to tell because of how hard life got for us. We were all over the place, we started drinking heavy from quarantine, our schedules for work and self care was non existent and we weren’t having regular open sex or intimate time together. Our fun time started to feel forced because all we did was hangout with each other and we stopped truly letting ourselves be alone for a little while. He would get annoyed with my irritability and I was overly frustrated from feeling overwhelmed with little help. I was trying to tell him so often that to do my job, I need someone to help me stay on task so I can make way more money than I ever have. I had only a few chances to show him just how much his help worked for us, but he was feeling something missing from his own life and I didn’t give enough attention to it when I could have saved this love.
I made so many mistakes along the way because I met this man, knowing he would need extra love in some ways, but never fully seeing just how much love he needed from me. I pushed for holidays my way in hopes it would make us have a strong connection, I pushed for scheduling my way to ensure we both were maximizing work time. I didn’t make enough effort to get involved with his music or school, I just told him to work on it and rarely if ever joined him. He had more than he had living on campus, sure, but was he truly happy? He felt like he’s missing out on his college experience, and isn’t that what I was upset for because of my previous boyfriends actions towards me? If he wants to live on campus for one more year and visit or live half and half, I wish I would have considered that he had an individual life to live and a relationship isn’t the end of the world if he’s not living with me. I could have seen a lot of this before he felt trapped by me, no matter how much I thought I was trying to improve his life.
Sitting here writing this, I can see why someone who needed love like he did could be so scared to love me with everything we’ve been through. I can see how a young boy with a hope for life was introduced to the fears of the world far too quickly from someone who needed just as much love in return. We went through so much so quick that was confusing, all over the place, and both of us needed so much more love and support than we got. I should have done better. I should have been able to not make someone feel like they can’t make mistakes with me either, because regardless if he made a few that made me feel uncomfortable, I should have taken the effort to make him comfortable to share. He felt ashamed that he wanted to take a party drug the night after I did mushrooms cause he was struggling and I made him feel so horrible for it. He deserved more love in the moments where he felt judged harshly enough to hide from me over and over. He wanted to be the knight in shining armour, he wanted to not show his flaws and lose something he genuinely felt a love for that I saw in his eyes when he lit up looking at me and watching me work.
I should have appreciated how much he loved what I did for a living, because I begged the universe for someone who would accept that part of me. It’s my fault that I hid myself in his life for so long, saving him from any judgement or consequences. I wish he could have posted me on his social media and give me the satisfaction of being his girl in his personal life, but I didn’t make an effort to keep him having a thriving personal life for himself. I tend to be a loner because I’m so afraid to connect and he lost a lot of time to connect with people because he spent it with me and I didn’t fight more to be there for him. I didn’t realize I had such a sensitive vessel in need of someone to see a little deeper into his soul and I should have.
Some of the things I should have done, I didn’t really see at the time because he seemed so enthralled with spending time with me. I thought spending time with me would continue to be that fulfilling and light his life and I should have encouraged more individuality when it meant the most. I didn’t realize how deep some of his actions ran and I really didn’t know his mental health history as well as I thought. He didn’t share a lot of things I never thought he would keep from me because I never thought someone would feel uncomfortable about those things. Having friends who are girls on campus or even just talking about past stories with friends who are girls and not addressing them by name. He always addresses men by name, but he is so vague when it comes to girls and because I’ve been cheated on I can’t just not work on these issues. If he loved me, he would try harder to be open and honest, right?
I should have not pressured him about going on a family vacation because regardless of how much he complains about not being able to connect with them, he could have de-stressed with the trip. I shouldn’t have started an open relationship in another state after going through hell, right before my birthday trip, but I thought a small break would help him find himself. I thought he needed to explore a bit and see if he wants more experience with people, and he didn’t seem to find satisfaction in the idea of being with people with me. We had the option of inviting girls in and we really liked the tension from having the girl we met around. I should have been smarter with my choices and been more careful, but he should have still been honest.
The first big freakout I had where I broke things was after he got home from florida, almost a month before my birthday, and he had deleted the tinder I said he could have if he was open with me about it. I said I was ok with having the tinder, if he was ok with letting me see messages to confirm that he didn’t meet up with anyone like he said he didn’t. If he had met up with someone, I would have wanted to just see the message part where he said he had a girlfriend but were on a break, and he could keep the personal messages to himself. If he felt something from that, all I wanted was honesty through and through. I didn’t know what a toll it would take on me when I found a girls account screenshotted for her social media, and I felt like he lied to me in a small way. He never said he was going to reach out to someone else there, and I told him I wanted peace of mind since we were gonna stay together. It was the first time I yelled at him and told him to leave for real, pack all of his things, and he did. I wish I could take back every time I wanted to kick him out because we were going through it. I should have gotten us therapy and worked through in healthy ways but I had been through so much and I needed trust in my love life. I had hit my wits end with the little things that happened in our relationship and in my life. I felt like the person who said he loved me, didn’t actually love me any, and I still don’t think that’s true, but maybe writing this will help me find my truth.
He came back after the first blowup and I wish I would have gotten us help then. I should have made therapy appointments and made us work on self help, but I continued to think we could handle it. By the time my birthday came around we were stressed to the max again, feeling disconnected from him not wanting to share some things he likes sexually and me feeling like I can’t fully please the man I love. I was trying to rebuild my strength to battle the world as a beaten down woman and I felt like he was somewhere else some days and some days he looked at me like the stars to his sky. I still felt hints of that love there when we had our quiet time and I gave him chances to be himself. I should have been so much more patient when I felt that our love was on the verge of having a real ending that I couldn’t come back from.
My birthday started off rocky before we left, but once we had plans and we were on the way, my excitement lit him up in a way I hadn’t seen for me in a while. He smiled at me and was excited to be there, but something was off the entire trip I couldn’t put my finger on. There was just something connection wise off that I had never felt before in someone and I’m still trying to figure out fully what it is. I was on the verge of a freakout if I felt like he was keeping things from me but everytime he lied I blew up instead of gave him love. I started getting invasive and I knew he was watching porn, cumming and not telling me and not reaching to me to please him and I needed to know. He has some normal fetishes I’ve even delved into, and I wish I would have given him a break because I just wanted him to feel safe with me. It was my birthday though, and it made me feel like even when I’m taking care of myself and enjoying life, he still won’t come to me for those things or even tell me. I wanted to feel like I was a sexual goddess for my birthday with a man who deserves every inch of my mind body and soul because I want to please all of his. I should have just taken it easy on him and sucked his dick.
He had a breakdown, worse than one I had ever seen before. He checked out, and started to laugh in an almost crazy way, and I saw him terrified. His panic attack was so bad he was starting to hit a psychotic break from the stress and the overwhelming trip energy that was going on. I knew this one was different from how he acted and the things he said and I was perfectly fine giving up my birthday to get my boyfriend the help he needed. On the car ride, we discussed it and we talked about everything. He opened up to me about how hard those situations are sometimes and we talked about maybe getting us some help to get through these things. We also almost got into a wreck before we started talking because I had a depressive episode when we left because of how hard it was to give up my birthday plans. I should have told him I genuinely can’t drive because I wasn’t doing well with all the stress, but he needed a break from driving too. I was just as in need of some fun as him, but there were other issues we didn’t really address the same till after all this happened.
At some point, after he took over to keep us safe, I was distraught and I was having trouble not being angry at him. I started thinking about everything in our relationship, what I did and what he did and I was replaying so much over and over. His reactions to my emotional states and everything we had been through and something wasn’t sitting right with me with how he acted or reacted all the time. He did nothing for my birthday, not even a stuffed animal, that can’t be normal. He didn’t do anything special to be sexy after I woke up from night terrors, in fact he was much more distant from me and the day was off from the start. I couldn’t believe this was the birthday that I was having, though I wasn’t upset about the gift until I never got it at all. He said he was working on one, and I figured it was music related and from the heart, and I still to this day have never gotten my gift and don’t know if I ever will. I gave that man a home, food whatever we wanted, weed, crafts, fun things for him and still provided the whole experience of life when we weren’t quarantined. The only thing that quieted my mind on the ride home from my birthday was reading online my boyfriend might be even more of a gift to this world than I even knew, and I might be ruining it.
Chapter 4: What if…
What if I wasn’t bad at reading people and I just didn’t see things clearly because I was too close to someone hiding? What if he gave me the parts of him he wanted to in fear that I would take advantage of his love? What if therapy really would have done something good for our love? I knew he was a genius, extremely creative, high functioning when he’s happy, and he has shown me love in ways that someone who’s genuinely cruel could never do. He was afraid, in a way I didn’t know how to handle because I had never loved someone who has trouble with interpreting and understand emotional and social situations. I don’t think it’s a problem all the time, only when things get overwhelming and all of a sudden he can’t see a future at all with me anymore. The switch between forever and never is so drastic and happened so much that I wonder if maybe someone could have helped us navigate those chaotic moments. What if I could have given him the peace of mind that he needed to be ok?
Some of the ways he emotionally interacts with me doesn’t make sense, because after all this stress I feel like he flipped into a different mode. Someone that I’ve never seen this deeply disconnected from our love and what we had. I told him we needed to work towards giving each other love, and that means going both ways because he’s hurt me before and made it hard to trust him. The last day I kicked him out, he lied straight to my face and hid things with no regard to how bad it would hurt me. Even when he saw the hurt, he continued to push with no remorse being shown and he started to run from me. It was scary, to feel like the person I loved couldn’t show me love in the ways people have done before. When my previous boyfriends had fucked up, they cried and held me or tried to give me some comfort even as we went through it. He completely disconnected after hurting me and it was not something I’ve ever been used to. That was the first real time I had an instance of a perfect example of something that didn’t sit right with me, and I felt that what I read online and knew about in my education that I could be right.
I didn’t do as well on my emotional state when trying to get him to open up, so when I was feeling overwhelmed it showed so much. I made him feel like he couldn’t open up because he could see I wasn’t giving him the love and open feeling he needed. I shut him out without even realizing how much harder I needed to work with him. When I started following the emotional guides online, I found that he responded much better and even started to act more close to me and happy. I ruined it. Just as I knew we were doing better with those techniques, the moment I could have given him a sexy question instead of one that was tense and closed off to him. There was a part of me that was having trouble giving him my love when we struggled to communicate and I take the blame for knowing better and just not doing it. I headed to the liquor store after he just didn’t talk to me and I had really stopped following the guides. Not only that, but while we had been playing video games during all this stress, I had blown up over feeling uncomfortable for being silenced having fun. All of these stressors didn’t make sense to me, because he really wasn’t understanding what was going on. He wasn’t able to see how he was hurting me in moments when he had the ball in his court to make the move towards trust. He had the power to improve our love and chose to hurt it further.
I had a full mental breakdown after he was gone, and I couldn’t believe that the man I loved had just lied to me and left like that. It was unreal, and he did things emotionally I just couldn’t logically understand. None of it made sense, he knew he hurt me and he still got upset at me. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so vague with my questions with him, but if he doesn’t want to share his intimate life with me that is his choice, but I don’t think it’s one he likes because he says it makes him feel uncomfortable with whoever he’s ever dated. This is not new, it seems like these kind of issues happened in previous relationships, and I have been doing my best to save this love because my boyfriend deserved so much more than this.
I can only say what if, because I’m biased and need another look, but what if my boyfriend had aspergers and needed more from me than I gave? When he hurt me multiple times, he didn’t react like someone who understands how to give love when a mistake is made, he looked like he was still afraid of me. When I’ve asked for reassurance or love after feeling disconnected from him, sometimes he doesn’t react like someone who really cares about me. There are other days we felt like were on top of the world, and the happiness I saw in him and the love he had for me overflowed so it didn’t make sense that there could be no love at all. A week before this huge split, he told me he wanted to make this work because he really does love me and he’s just hard at expressing it sometimes. He said he knows we both could have done better for each other, and our love deserved a chance. He said it would be hard but he wanted to make it work. He said when it ended that he had been feeling like he didn’t want this for a while, and I started to spiral wondering where our love had gone.
How could this be? He left me and now he’s also going on vacation? He’s just leaving us, leaving part of his things here, and going on a trip? This cannot be real, not after my birthday trip got canceled for his health. He can go on another trip but can’t work through things? That was my first big sign that I needed to understand aspergers far more than I read in the stuff online. I needed to read other peoples threads, get help from someone, a support group. If he’s not going to get therapy at the moment I’m going to need someone because I’m going insane with how he’s treated me in the end. In the beginning I did all the leg work for our emotional connections and communication and that would make sense why I didn’t see it before in the beginning. I over explained myself to him, gave him other worldy feelings and made an effort to always keep him interested. I went above and beyond ensuring his safety and the only reason I started feeling him disconnect and not understand was because I wasn’t understanding him.
At least, that’s all I can tell myself to calm my nerves when this reality isn’t making sense. Mental illness and other disorders could explain some of this, but this ending doesn’t make sense. I know I snapped, but how could he not be logical enough to know that we both have to make an effort to make it up from the bottom? I had started to feel the weight again as soon as the emotional communication went awohl again, and I feel that I am most to blame knowing I could have learned how to interact with him. He was the first man I’ve ever had a love for that didn’t die even through the worst of it, I have to believe there’s something more going on that hindered us from working through this. I may not have handled things well, but I wasn’t the only one.
He kept it from me for a while that he was feeling the want to leave and he didn’t understand why he felt it and he felt ashamed. He knew he loved me and he didn’t want me to feel like he doesn’t but he also felt like he wanted to experience certain things. While that could just be lack of commitment, he really expressed some of that in ways that, at the time, I couldn’t get a grip on why he was acting like that. When the protests happened and we went, we ran from the cops and gas and we had some trouble with me running. I had a horrible panic attack and started throwing up and was terrified to get shot because I would be one of those people small enough to not make it. I couldn’t handle the fear that came on so quick, when we got home he was soon talking about wanting to leave and go join the riots and be apart of running through the chaos. It seemed brave, sure, but he was so enthralled with being apart of what was going on and wanting to be a hero that he had emotionally responded to me in a way that made me cry instantly. I felt like my boyfriend had switched from caring for me to someone else, and I think back to that and it would make sense if he had aspergers.
I genuinely think he’s too smart to not have something like this or struggle in some way. Most geniuses had issues or were mad in some way, maybe they were really weird in secret, but they are so complex. Many psychological studies call autism a disorder of high intelligence or associate it with genius like abilities. Genius is also related to talent, not test scores, and therefore the genius spectrum and abilities range far and wide. Not only that, but sometimes it can come off as madness or seeming to be out of touch with reality. These enhanced skill sets or higher intelligence typically make it harder to navigate social life because they’re mind is always taking in knowledge or needs to be creating. Rabbit plays instruments with ease, creates art, stores knowledge like a job, and can speak in ways you’ll never want to stop listening. He is unique, and I knew that from the beginning. I think he is a gift to this world and I wish I would have treasured him a little more than I did.
There were little things that we joked about after I told him I thought he was an aspie, and he even started noticing things too. He didn’t say hello when he walked into the house and into rooms sometimes, he ranted in ways that was more than most people, and he hyper focused on new things constantly. He had a hard time in social situations, didn’t like big crowds for no reasons, doesn’t like meeting new people in large amounts, and has a hard time without lists or structure. He doesn’t do well when I raise my voice but he opens up when my emotions match his needs. I only had a week to try to see if I was right about these things, and I was getting so close, but I slipped up. I was getting overwhelmed from trying to do too much and needing more work from him too and I got upset. This year has been so hard, but thinking I might lose him this year never fully crossed my mind till it was real and he was pushing me away.
It’s a raw feeling to have someone you love push you away in so many ways, hurt you and make excuses and have their own breakdowns that never get worked through or talked about. It’s a raw feeling to have your gut say you just didn’t understand them well enough yet, and feel like you could have saved something sooner. If only I had known sooner I could have done everything differently, I would have approached everything differently. We could have been better if I knew how the system worked when we first got together, but…
...what if he really doesn’t love me anymore?
I believed in my intuition, and I was starting to feel confused, like normal responses weren’t working for us. I knew I needed a better understanding to connect with him, I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do all the time. I’m human too and I genuinely wanted to find a solution, but it just seemed like he didn’t want to try to help us at all. The lies continued, the emotional confusion got worse, our communication became so limited it was almost one sided at times. I had never been with someone who completely closed up and didn’t say anything to me at a certain point. So, what if I’m right and I could save our love that I don’t think it’s time for us to lose. What if we could fall even deeper in love, have even more of a fulfilling life if we just try a little harder? My mind is having a hard time processing everything in the end when I know we both could have done so much more, and I didn’t think he fell all the way out of love with me.
Chapter 5. Finding hope or sanity
As I sit here and right this, I’m trying to cope with my paranoia that he’s not texting me back because I think he lied and went to Chicago anyway. I wish I didn’t feel like this, but he did hide things from me and I know he’s not in the best place right now. I know he feels like he needs to go and come back refreshed, but he doesn’t see how much it’s hurting us for him to just leave instead of work on talking or even text me back to know he’s ok. I texted him this morning after he left from talking, and he read and didn’t respond. He’s watched my stories so he’s been on his phone at least a few times today. He’s known for napping in the middle of the day for a few hours when he’s overwhelmed. My paranoia from being lied to from so many friendships and relationships is so awful I’m having trouble believing anything from anyone. I want to say I don’t think he would lie to me even after breaking up and going through all of this, but I just don’t believe in what I’ve seen anymore.
It makes me feel like a twisted human, for being so paranoid and assuming people would do wrong rather than right. It’s not too far to assume that he would not want to hurt me by taking the trip after everything, and I don’t think his friends would care to postpone plans a couple hours, but I could always be wrong. I would hope he would be able to explain that if he does go, because I don’t care that he does, I just want to not feel abandoned out of no where. I want to believe talking to him and trying to stay calm like I did showed him that I’m doing my best to make this better and fix things for a love I thought we once both believed in. I’m writing this to remind myself, visually, that if he confides in me and is honest with me and wants to work on things, I will make sure to do my best and fight through the shit to see the sun. I need to remind myself that I want to keep myself composed, and give love to someone I didn’t understand before. I don’t want to keep letting my fears get in the way of something beautiful before it has a chance to thrive.
I’ll ask the universe one more time, please don’t let this love die. I hear you universe, I need to do what I was put here to do, but please don’t take this love away. Give it new life, new perspective, let it heal and grow and become something new and beautiful. Let us grow from this and let the destruction become the tools to build something we feel even more proud of than we’ve ever been. Don’t let me fail in the idea that honesty from the core can heal us and sticking together can make this world a better place, don’t take that hope away. Regardless if he stays with me forever in this life or not, don’t let the love die from his eyes and lose the want to just hold me. Don’t lose that friendship, that closeness that I said I didn’t want either of us to feel void of. We connect on more than I’ve ever connected with someone on, and I wish I would have fought harder even if only for the idea that I loved him. There were days I let life get so far in the way I couldn’t even fight for our love, and I would give it all to give this man what I promised him when he decided to take this kitten in as his own, and love me with his whole heart.
I realize that I have allowed myself to become silent on the things that I always connected with him on, and I promise to do my part in this world and not just love him. I will give myself to help this world if you let me love this man and allow me to show him true love. I will fight for every ounce of peace on this earth if you let me fix the love that was broken from so many mistakes. Mistakes happen, I should know that and be more patient, and I didn’t realize just how much I needed to give. I’m sorry, universe, that I disappointed you and made it hard to understand my love but I would give my life efforts I’ve always dreamed of if I can share that life with him. I know I have found someone worth while and I know he saw something in me, together we are a magical pair and I know he still looks at me with some feelings of love. Please, universe, hear me and send the love back to us both.
Chapter 6: A letter to my love
My sweet daddy, my sweet boy, my nugget, my everything.
This has been the hardest I’ve ever pushed to have a love as great as the one I still feel we have, and I still feel that love like a fire inside me. The moment I first laid eyes on you I had a burning curiosity to know you and love you. I didn’t know just how much I could fall in love with you, every love I’ve had just isn’t like this one. I’ve loved before, but how can I compare them when I never had this fire like I do for you, I just cannot compare. You are the flaming light that resparked a fire in me I thought I had lost, and I watched you unfold your story for me to love. I love you so much.
I don’t want you to feel offended by the things I’ve said or done, or even the things I assumed in the end. I am still only human and I’m learning as quick I can to show you love. I’ve faltered and I’ve had my rough times but I do believe in us and what we’ve had. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I let you walk away and didn’t even bother to try to express my love for you. If I gave up because of the hurt and didn’t admit I could give more and love you harder, I wouldn’t forgive myself to watch you leave. I know I was the one who made the change to tell you to go, and for that I cannot forgive myself. I know you’re terrified to trust me and let your guard down, I would give my soul to show you we can be there for each other again.
I found such innocence and creativity inside you and I don’t want our love to knock you down, I want it to elevate you. You deserved the world from someone who promised it to you, and even as much as we’ve gone through you still deserve the world for the love we had. I hope you still feel it too. I hope you think about all the times we’ve had and that love floods your system like you’ve never felt before. I want you to know that we have to fight for this, both of us, together, to make it right and to show that love can WIN with the will to make it work. It may seem impossible, but if you ever saw the hope in me that I tried to give you in so many ways, let it flood your heart and give you hope in love. You can make it in this life, I know you can, I’m only trying to inspire the you who fell in love with me and told me you thought about spending forever with me. You had never fell so hard so fast and it terrified you, but you jumped right in and you loved me. You loved me in every way you could possibly give. This is just life, and I want to do this life with someone I cherish. I told you that I like having experience, but I would trade it any day if I had loved someone like you sooner. I would trade all the searching, fighting, loneliness and pain to find a love like you and fight for it a million times again.
This life is full of crazy times, things we wish we could take back, but in the end we truly remember the good things. We didn’t even date as long as some of my previous and the moments we share outweigh so much because of the connection I feel to you. You make everyone else just...not compare anymore, and I don’t know how to handle feeling like I found a one in a million soul. The girl you saw working hard, helping us thrive together, and having a positive outlook about life is still that girl. I know the guy who excelled in your interests, found happiness in every turn, and had hope that you found the one is still inside there somewhere. I want to believe our love was stronger than that.
I love you will never be enough because actions always speak louder than words. I got us a house, I filled it with food, I gave us playtime and tried to help you with whatever you wanted to explore in life. If that isn’t giving someone the moon, I wish I knew what you needed instead so I could provide it. I would happily give you everything you asked for if it meant you would believe in me and trust me to love you. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to continue getting to know your beautiful mind and appreciating your heart more than I have. I wouldn’t want a love any other way if the stars and planets didn’t align when we connect with each others souls. I want to feel the heat of a thousand suns when our bodies intertwine and lose my mind when you fulfil my every desire. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I love you, and I’m only hoping you feel it in my heart that I would do anything for you.
August 9th 9:42am
Remember the Sun
For you, my love, I’ll never leave
Until the day I die
Though hard it blows, the wind and rain
I’ll lift you to the sky
With only hope, I plant a seed
In the garden of your heart
I’ll water every lifeless leaf
Give love and hope a start
The sun shines not on gloomy days
And though we cannot see
We know behind the clouds of grey
She’s burning bright and free
Remember in your darkest hour
To not forget the sun
The dark is evils greatest power
Convincing you it won
Hold tight to the dawn, at last!
Her beauty lights the way
The darkness now is in the past
The light will always stay
August 10th 2:39pm
As I read through the story I realized, I skipped ALL OF FUCKING TRAUMA how dare I. It’s honestly hard to talk about it because that night...I cried and had to hide it because of how embarrassed I would feel. Crying while following this boy around like a puppy secretly whispering “I fucking love this man” and it’s hard to think about the time we shared.
The couple that I invited to go with us, and ourselves, were all ready to head to the party. My girl is looking HOT and so am I, plus daddy is looking mighty fine tonight. It’s his first time so I’m HOPING he’ll be shocked by it, just like I was. We get inside and it’s a little more tame than years previous, but soon we’d find out the naughty secrets of the party still remain.
We head to the main areas and start exploring, showing them all the fun areas to play in. He’s enthralled with the ropes, so I sign up to get suspended. To my surprise, once comfortable inside, he finds an interest in every booth they have setup. He’s PERFECT. He watches me get roped and I watch him get fire cupped. He watches me get flogged and we both watch each other the whole night.
He had me on a leash as his kitten, I had never had a daddy do that before. As he lead me around all I knew was he was wildly special, and I started to get emotional. I couldn’t believe he was just pulling me around and OH his smile. Every time he lit up when he looked at me I couldn’t help but die of happiness. I was whispering I love this man and I love you like it was my job. We push through the crowds of sweaty drunk costumes and at the end of the night we find the...SECRET ROOM!
I thought it hadn’t existed and when we found it, it was like another whole adventure. How much could we get away with in the room? He was playing with my pussy and we were enjoying watching others play and vibe with their energy. It was the dirtiest fantasy with the most beautiful man, and somehow I felt like a princess.
We headed home and both us and the couple fucked into the night and woke up smiling. We had the house to ourselves in the morning, and the rest is in the story.
God I miss all this.
ps. I was right, November 9th
I scrolled all the way back in our texts, stopping to realize some of the bad I did, and appreciating so much of the amazing things. I wanted to save some things I wasn’t sure if I had or not. Our memories we’ve made are beautiful, and even a part of me finds the sadness and rage beautiful too, because we were still fighting for our love. We didn’t give up on each other. You told me I was infatuating and filled your life with joy. We both felt more alive and inspired when we met each other, and to this day I still feel that inspiration flowing inside me, in us. I read through our weekend texts about trauma and moving in together, so many things we wished for.
So many things that also came true in the same way we wished for it, but it came with a price sometimes. We got our house, but I lost my kitty and we both lost friends, you honestly more so than me in a way. We were getting successful, working together, and figuring out goals, but we also discovered the dark parts of each other. We both became afraid of being hurt, and I believe it’s because we both feel that fire between us and it’s terrifying to think we may lose it or ruin the good memories. I don’t think we can ruin all the good parts just from the mistakes and hard times, our good times are just too beautiful to ever not love.
Life will always find a way to upset us, maybe even knock us down a little, but the getting back up is the best part. The further we climb, yes, the further we can fall, but all we need is a little support and maybe a platform to catch us. We’ve built a big platform to work with, a safety net to catch us, there’s no reason we can’t continue to climb and appreciate how far we’ve come. Before we even started dating, before you ever took this kitten officially off the market, you told me I took a weight off you that had been there for so long. I want to take that weight off again, and give balance to the both of us, honestly from the heart.
I wanted to be your little princess, who looks up to you for all the things I love you for, and I didn’t even know how much I would love you for when we met. I told you I wanted to give you inspiration and life and I wanted you to feel like whatever you needed or wanted I would be there. I would support you through life and death and we’ve even been through that shit too, and we made it together. The cards spoke about our love and in multiple instances, we had weird connections and signs pointing to us having a love worth fighting for. I believe those signs because the biggest signs of love I ever found, the universe didn’t make it easy but it was a WILD FIRE! Fires destroy when they burn too quick or don’t have the right tools to feed it, but a steady flame can heat up your life, feed your soul, and protect us from the dark. Our fire is just like that.
If there’s anything I know, looking back on my life I wish I would have focused on love and let some of the bull shit of life go. I should have done that for you more often, your heart was worth more than any money, cleaning, or any trip we could ever take. Our love is worth sacrifice and patience to survive the trials of life. I wouldn’t fight so hard if I didn’t want to recognize my part in this and do better, I didn’t know you well enough and I’m sorry. You taught me what it’s like to date a real man, one that’s raw and real, that doesn’t hold back and isn’t afraid to be himself. A man whose mind is open to the world and heart is open to this universe, and isn’t afraid to show it some love. A man who can be strong but is still innocently sweet in your vulnerability. I never knew a real man could be so deep in his soul and possess magic in your touch. A man who gave me a different kind of love, one I didn’t quite understand as love at first because I had been used to a love that never satisfied me. I didn’t even know some of what you tried to give me is what I was searching for all along, and I just didn’t see it all clearly. A MAN, who made me feel like every aspect of the woman in me was worth love.
A man whom I love, forever and always.
To my sweet daddy ❤️