Trigger warning: This is NOT a smut/sexual story. This is a cathartic piece I wrote to process some emotions that have been troubling me for sometime. There is talk of desperation, hopelessness, and a want to give up. No talk of suicide, but can be interpreted that way so please be aware before you read this piece if you are sensitive to feelings of hopelessness. I hope this heals you if you need the release. enjoy my rebirth.
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“What can I do to help?” What can anyone do to help? For my entire life I’ve always felt that when people offer to help, I’m just getting set up to be let down. I’m too tired to ask anyone for help anymore. I can feel my body sinking into the ground. My bones feel hollow. My soul a ghost. I can feel myself breaking and collapsing on myself as the pressure consumes me from the inside out. I don’t know if I can take much more of this. “Faye…please tell me what I can do to help?” I can feel the tears well up in my eyes as I choke out “I don’t know. I don’t know what to ask for anymore.” My legs start to shake as I fall to the ground. He starts to walk over to comfort me but I put my hand up to stop him. I can feel the forest around me vibrating. I can feel the energy from Mother Nature wrapping around me, pulling the toxicity from inside and cleansing me. I look out into the trees and I feel…nothing. No hope, no drive, no motivation, I can’t feel…anything. I try to stand and fall back down to my knees. My ability to keep myself together is wearing thin and I’m not sure I can keep holding on. “It’s ok to let it out. I know you’ve been through a lot. I know it hurts when people leave like this but you can’t let it break you.” His voice sounds so concerned but I just can’t bring myself to face him. “It’s not a choice. You don’t get to choose what breaks you and what doesn’t. Everyone has a breaking point and you can’t just tell your body to keep going” my voice started shaking and cracking as I spoke but I continued, “if I keep pushing myself like this I’m not going to make it. I only have so much in me and all I want to do is lay here forever.” I can feel the tears falling down my face as the weight in my chest gets heavier and pulls me even further to the ground. “I just wanna give up,” I can feel my voice raising, “and I’m so fucking tired of everyone always leaving me when I need them the most or when I finally feel connected to them.” My nails are digging into my fists as my chest begins to hurt from the tightness that’s crushing me. “I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!” My screams scratch my throat as I push out the last words and collapse in a ball on the ground, sobbing. “Faye…I’m so sorry. I wish I could take the pain away but I know I can’t. I wish I could mend the broken pieces of you so you’re not so afraid to break like this again. If I could heal you…I know I would. But I’ll stay here as long as you need.” His words feel like razor blades on my heart as the weight consumes me and I can feel myself fading into the darkness. How long I’ve waited for someone to see me, to FEEL me, and to not run away when things get tough. All I’ve ever wanted is someone to know the pain is real and just…STAY. Stay till I come through the darkness and finally find the light again. Stay until I trust that someone won’t break me into pieces and leave me to pick up the shattered remains. Stay until I find the strength in me to pull myself back up and give them back 10x the love and strength they gave me when I needed it most. Stay…until I’m not afraid of someone leaving. The weight is too much, I can feel the heat flush my face and I feel like I want to throw up or scream or run or anything other than feel this pain anymore. It feels like a fire has flooded my veins and no matter what I do, I can’t put it out. “Faye, are you still with me? Are you still pushing?” He takes a step toward me and I let him. He’s only a couple feet away from me but it feels like miles away. Everyone feels so far away from me, even when they’re so close I can feel them. “Can I come closer? I don’t want to upset you or make you uncomfortable.” I nod my head yes and he slowly comes forward. He stops just before he gets to me and lowers till he’s kneeling next to me. I still haven’t found it in me to look him in the eyes yet because I know I’m going to crash even further if I do. If I let someone see how fragile I really am. I don’t want to look him in the eyes knowing just how pitiful and destroyed I look right now. I want to be seen, felt, heard, LOVED…but I just don’t have the strength to look someone in the eyes and see the emptiness that looks back at me anymore. “You don’t have to do anything more than just exist right now. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream, scream. And if you need me for anything, I’m right here when you’re ready.” I can feel the patience and I know he wants nothing more than to help but so many people have done the same thing just to leave me the next moment. How can I trust him? The tears are pouring out of me because the reassurance almost stings with how long I’ve waited for true support. There’s a scream building in my lungs that’s been dying to be let out for years. It starts slow, just a whisper of a scream, barely enough to be heard. I can feel my body trying to save me from being hurt again and it doesn’t want to let me be vulnerable, to open up. My body wants me to run, to hide from him, to never let him see just how badly I need someone because NO ONE has EVER made me feel safe after opening up. NO ONE. Why would he be any different? “Scream for me, Faye. Scream until your soul doesn’t want to scream anymore.” The whisper of a scream begins to rise. The volume increasing slowly. The depth of my sorrow begins to radiate around me as my soul begins to shed the years of abandonment and torment. I can feel the wind start to pick up around me as I let myself unfold and break down every last wall that’s holding me to this prison. “Scream for me, Faye.” He stands and begins to take a few steps back as my screams fill the forest around us. “That’s it, just scream.” +
I watch her as her body shakes with tremors from the force of her screams. If it weren’t so painful to watch, the release would be just as beautiful as she is. As she always has been. I want to comfort her but I know she needs this. Her screaming just keeps getting louder and louder and…it feels like the grounds shaking? That can’t be right. There’s no earthquakes where we are. Not a place for landslides or avalanches or anything that should shake the ground the way it is literally shaking now. Has she not noticed?? She hasn’t moved from where she is and it doesn’t look like she’s noticed at ALL. I go to take a step back towards her and as I do the wind picks up. There’s also not supposed to be a storm today, the forecast was clear all day so this doesn’t make sense either. This isn’t a gust of wind, this is a storm worthy wind force and it’s all coming from… HER. I ignore the ground and the wind and I watch her as she screams. She’s still on her knees, leaning over herself, fists clenched so tight I’m afraid she’ll draw blood, and her whole body is shaking from the force of the screams. “Faye, I’m a little worri—.“ I didn’t even get a chance to finish my thought before her screams turned into…something else. Something more…animal like. It sounds like her screams are becoming…roars. Almost like a lion or something that should NOT be coming out of such a small woman. As the roaring becomes deafening, the sky begins to darken and the ground begins to VISIBLY shake. Is she doing this? There’s no way. I’m caught between awe, terror, and a pain in my chest that just aches more the harder she scre—ROARS. How long should I let her feel like this? I don’t want her to get hurt and I don’t know what the fuck is going on. She slowly begins to rise and the cries of pain slowly turn to cries of anger. Rage. FIGHT. She’s FIGHTING. Just then there’s a lightning strike not more than 100ft away and thunder so loud you would assume the world is about to end. As her body straightens and her stance becomes more powerful, I start to notice the changes taking place in her. Her skin looks like it’s glowing with flames and there are flashes of…cracks in her skin? I could only compare it to the ground cracking during an earthquake, but then it quickly heals and looks normal again. She’s breaking apart. Whatever this pain did to her, it is now consuming her and I’m watching it break her apart as she begins to bring the sky down around us. She’s absolutely breathtaking. +
The pain that was swelling inside me was bursting at the seems. I could feel it bleeding from my body and spilling into the soil underneath my feet. The shaking, the lightning, the thunder, I knew it was all me. I could feel the energy pouring from my soul like the fire that was cracking the surface and erupting from my skin. The fire that was fueling this change I could feel was happening. I was breaking. Everything that has ever fractured my essence has now created a new power within me. Something wild and untamed and ready to be unleashed on the world that has forsaken me. This world that is now trembling in my wrath. I will own every last breath as my own till they choke on their words that scolded my skin till I began to burn from this agony. This empty, desolate feeling that sorrow doesn’t begin to describe. Hollow. Empty. Not a soul to be found anymore. I have become a vessel of anguish. I can feel my mind slipping from me as I let go and fall into the darkness that’s begun to surround me. The sky, the forest, even the ground beneath me, all becoming darker as we sink into shadows and the chaos consumes me at last. = I don’t know how much time passed as I faded into the black, until I heard his voice softly call to me. “Faye, can you hear me? I can’t see you, but if you can hear me, please let me know you’re ok.” Where was I? I tried to open my eyes but I wasn’t sure if I had because all I saw was…black. Not darkness, no, just black. Nothing. Am I…blind? Where am I? I saw a small spark of color that looked like it came from where my arm should be, as a flame danced across my skin. There was no warmth, just the light touch of what felt like tangible air. Almost a tickle, but not quite enough touch. I took a deep breath and focused on the feeling and flames flickered from all over me. Not big, but just small embers that slowly started to lift the darkness around me and my eyes began to readjust to the forest again. The clouds had lifted, the wind had died down to a stillness, and the trees seemed to hush. The pain that had shaken the ground and sent fury to the skies had all but ceased to exist. Almost. There was still a feeling under the surface, just waiting for a moment to reemerge and consume all who harm me again. Waiting to burn this world to the ground. “Faye, it’s ok. You’re safe. I’m here…and I’m not going anywhere.” I collapsed into his arms as he held me on the ground. For once, someone wasn’t afraid of me and finally chose… …to stay.