It's kind of funny to state it like that, but it's serious and takes a toll on so many. Myself included. You never really know the full extent of depression and anxiety until it hits you full force like a mac truck and slams you against the ground over and over. You're so tired from picking yourself back up that some days you question if you should. Those are the days we have to fight the hardest.
I started struggling with depression when I was around 12. I was sexually assaulted by a family member and spent years hiding it and shaming myself. Telling myself it was my fault and that if I were a nice girl, someone who didn't cause trouble or rebel so much, that maybe it wouldn't have happened to me. To this day I still haven't fully forgiven myself. It's a hard burden to keep on your shoulders and for me, on my worst days, it attacks me like the monsters in our closets we're told aren't real.
They are. They are VERY real.
But they're not the monsters you see on tv and they're not something you can see. They're the secrets we keep, the shame and guilt we feel, and these monsters are way more scary than any monsters you'll ever see in movies or tv. Why? Because they're your demons, hiding and waiting for your most vulnerable moment so they can force you into feeling like you don't deserve to be here. As if the shame you feel is worth sacrificing everything you've accomplished up until this point and because these demons are your minds monsters, they know everything about you, which makes it worse.
Imagine those monsters on tv and movies, right? Which ones are the scariest? Is it the ones that jump out and get you? The ones with scary faces and threaten to kill you? No, not those ones. Those ones are like kids shows. No, the scariest ones are the ones that get inside your mind, that play on your fear and find the little things about you to torment you and make you question yourself. Those monsters are the scariest. It makes you feel violated, like there's something out there that knows more about you than you do yourself, and it's there to ruin you from the inside out.
They say bad things come in threes, or at least some say this. Why is it that the bad things always come when we're about to get back on track? Almost like it's just WAITING for you to feel comfortable and stable again just to knock you down and you're left picking up the pieces from the fallout. Some people say it's just life's way of strengthening you, others say it's karma. Believers in karma also believe that karma doesn't always come instantly. So on the days when you feel so ready to tackle everything and you're close to being on top again, karma will come to fuck you up to show you that you can't forget to be humble and know your place.
This year has been one of those years for me. Anyone else feel that way? Actually the last TWO years have felt this way and it's like I can't get ahead.
Last year I was kicked out of my moms house (again) which I deserved at that point because I was still too cocky and a "know-it-all". Followed by rough relationship problems, having to live with my boyfriend at the times family while searching for a place of our own, being hospitalized towards the end of the year after attempting suicide which, I never really told anyone about. Then finally getting in a drunk driving accident, totaling my car, and losing the relationship I had worked so hard for. I was left staying in his room, in his parents house, while he stayed down the road, hardly speaking to me and going out having fun while I questioned if I deserved to be alive.
The beginning of this year we got back together, but it was rocky. There were a lot of lies that had started to surface after he moved in and the depression started to hit me again. Did I deserve to be with someone like this? Is this my karma for things I've done in the past and should I continue? I had at least found a hobby and workout plan that worked for me. I started pole dancing after my car accident because I knew I needed a change and taking classes taught me so much about myself and learning to love my body. When we broke up in May after long days and nights of fighting and feeling distant, it didn't hit as hard because I had something I could fall back on. Myself.
However, shortly after our breakup I injured my hip and was unable to dance. The depression slowly started to creep back up and I could feel it like vomit in my throat just waiting to make me sick. It was ok because I had friends who got me out of the house and I still focused on keeping myself healthy and happy. Not to mention, I was sober and had stopped smoking weed. I was finally loving myself again so when I met someone new, I decided I just wanted to have a summer romance and enjoy myself.
I didn't realize the chaos that would follow meeting someone new. We didn't plan on falling in love but then again, who does? We spent every day together and I found myself changing my schedule to fit his. I stopped posting as much and creating content because for once I just wanted to feel normal again. To feel what it's like to go out on the boat, have some drinks with my friends, and enjoy a free spirited summer. I couldn't stop working completely so I found ways to incorporate my work AROUND him. I starting doing shows on the boat, I found ways to do photoshoots on the boat or places the boat could take us. All of this being fine with him, until I started doing photoshoots without him and his jealousy couldn't handle it.
He started to get possessive and controlling in ways I've never been ok with. He knew what I did for a living why would he choose to love me and want to be with me if he didn't like what I did? Instead of leaving at the first signs, like I knew I should at the time, I decided to stay and try to work through it. Attempting to teach him that it doesn't matter what I do for a living as long as we're both honest, loyal, and respectful to each other. This seemed to help (for a little while) but his jealousy was relentless and eventually he fell back into the same patterns. He started accusing me of fucking the photographers I was working with, saying that I should go back to school and finish my degree so I could get a REAL job and not be trashy and sell pictures and videos on the internet. What finally broke me was when he said "you know, most girls would commit suicide before they would ever do camming".
And the knife sunk in.
I started questioning what I do, who I am, what I've become, and the anxiety from it all was starting to overwhelm me. I let my house go, I could hardly get out of bed, I didn't want to be me anymore I just wanted it to all go away. Life doesn't let that happen so I started to force myself to get back up and keep going. Little by little I worked on my house, worked on eating healthy again and regularly, and even started doing more content and shows that I had been slacking on. But of course, life had to give me another curve ball. I lost my new phone in the ocean while trying to live normal and enjoy being free with my friends. I still remember watching it wash away and trying frantically to grab it before the waves took it, but it was too late. All the photoshoot behind the scenes, friends pictures, content I recorded. GONE!
This is the part where some of you laugh at me for giving a fuck about losing a phone.
"It's just a phone, what does it matter? Get a new one" some people would say. Others say "you can just make new content and get new behind the scenes". These are all very simple answers and to some that may seem easy enough. But for me, it was like losing all of my hard work yet again for the second time this summer. I lost one already in my car accident when my phone got thrown into traffic and run over by a car. I didn't feel as bad about this one because it wasn't my fault. But running into the ocean and dropping it in the water? Yeah, that was my dumb ass fault and it hit even harder. Everything I was working for kept being taken away. I felt like I was losing myself.
This is the problem with camming, modeling, and other jobs where people rely solely on digital content. A lot of people don't realize that losing that content is just like typing a paper for college and the day it's due your computer completely crashes and you lose it all. Or even, working on a project at work and something as simple as spilling coffee on your reports or notes or losing the things you work for at any other job. If we want to talk about how much it fuels the depression and anxiety in a generation that already suffers enough from the pressure of social media, it's almost heartbreaking to a point.
I sat down to write this because today is one of those days. I should be cleaning my house, prepping for my big shoot fest this weekend, and what do I really wanna do? Sleep. For hours, for days, I just don't want to be awake. Dreams can be dangerously addicting when you don't truly love the life you live. That's why I encourage each and every one of you, no matter if you have a job or not, homeless or live in a mansion, find a way to love yourself every day. Find a way to look at the future and find happiness in yourself or the world and life will continue to throw you under the bus.
Drugs and alcohol will NEVER solve the problems you have going on. I used to be a weed enthusiast and constantly encourage people to smoke to help with things going on, but it's not worth it and it won't help like finding happiness in yourself will. Eat healthy, drink water, smoke OCCASIONALLY if you must, but remember to find happiness in your sober self. I wrote a blog on battling depression and anxiety in simple ways which I'll add the link below, but remember that it all comes within you. No one can give you happiness except yourself, truly. No matter what life throws at you, no matter what mistakes we've ever made, the only one who can change that and become happy again is YOU.
Now, excuse me while I force myself out of bed and actually participate in life today.